Not only did Stanford University recently send a quarterback to the NFL with the nicest neckbeard that side of the Mississippi, but they also claim Evan Spiegel and Robert Murphy – the founders of Snapchat. What a wonderful app! I’m sure it was created to serve a greater purpose but my friends mostly use it to send me pictures of their shits. I thought that was the worst kind of person to use Snapchat until I realized there were many, many more.
Ooooohhh Becky, is it girls night? Fuckin’ spare me the video snaps of your girls taking shots please. Hey now, don’t get me wrong! I have nothing against drunk girls. Drunk girls rock. They keep the world spinnin’. However, the combination of drunk girls and smartphones does not. A selfie or two, maybe a snap of a wine cooler or something. I can live with that. Do you. But when I get 7 video snaps of some concert complete with flashing lights and unintelligible screaming, I have to draw the line. Listen Becky, when I’m checking what went down on Snapchat last night from my bed at 9 in the morning, that is not some shit I want to see. I’m not trying to have a seizure when I’ve barely gotten to the point in the day where I can look at other human beings.
Post graduate friends
Yo, we get it. You graduated and you fucking hate it. But is every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers really deserving of a snap? And your morning cup of coffee too? For the amount of times that you have ever sent a snap of your desk with a caption reading #postgradlife, you should get at least a week’s pay docked. I’m not even close to graduating, but it has been made infinitely clear that life after college is going to be different and therefore suck. How drunk were you when every one of your post grad friends was visiting? When they grab you by the collar and tell you “to stay in college as long as you fucking can,” did you think they were kidding? Seriously, when I get snaps from friends who are recently post grad, I’m looking for videos of coworkers sitting on the copier making a thousand copies of their ass. Then again, I do have the maturity of an eight year old. There might be a reason I haven’t graduated yet.
I have pondered how many people deleted Snapchat over Spring Break this year. I couldn’t imagine why. Looking at hundreds of random videos and pictures from someone’s rented beach house is super appealing to me. Why delete the app? I mean, when I’m not doing anything for Spring Break, a large part of my day is spent wondering what everyone else is doing. I thank every last one of my Snapchat friends for documenting every single cool moment of their trips. I wouldn’t even know if you were “beach bound!!!” if it wasn’t for the snaps I got! And the view from your rented condo was SICK. It must have been huge too, especially to fit the 17 people you went with into those three bedrooms. And all those times you were drinking before lunch? Man, that must’ve been some kind of party. I really wonder what my life during that week would’ve been without seeing all of that.
Cat. Tree. Sunset. Hat. New shoes. Neat! Is there a quantity less than zero? That is how much I care. I applaud your effort to take part in the Snapchat craze, but you have only exacerbated the fact that you are as interesting as a raw potato. I can only guess that you are afraid to experiment with your creative side. Start how everyone does, draw a dick or two in your snap. Male or female, there’s nothing wrong with sending a drawing of a phallus to your Snapchat friends unless you are friends with your pastor or parents (which would be odd in general). Some of my Snapchat friends are pretty incredible artists, apparently. Although I stick to mainly dicks, I’ve seen snaps with drawings of owls, what looks like a woman giving birth (however that happens) to someone’s head, and many more artistically relevant things. If you’re interested, I could send you their information to get them started as your Snapchat coach. Let me know.
People with pets
There are two sides to this – 1) I am one of these people and 2) I am also annoyed by these people. First of all, my affinity for cats has been described by several psychologists as “obsessive” and “weird” but I swear the therapy is helping. When my cats are playing with a piece of string, I experience feelings that bring a dim light to my cold heart. You’re allergic and therefore don’t like cats? Fuck you. They aren’t intentionally trying to bother your sinuses on purpose, you prick. Enjoy a tiny innocent animal having a good time. On the other hand, I can see how annoying it would be to constantly see someone’s pet via Snapchat (except MY cats). You are Snapchat friends with HIM/HER, not their pet. Then again, if I open a snap from you and I’m hoping to see your pet, it’s for one of two reasons – 1) Your face looks like someone hit it with a hot shovel or 2) I genuinely dislike you as a human being.
So, on a scale from 1 to Adobe Acrobat Reader update notifications, how annoying are you on Snapchat?
Jake Alexander is a malt liquor aficionado and cat person. You can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto