Your Degree Actually Does Matter: Which Majors Are Most Likely To Get You Laid (According To A Girl)

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that my college degree has become more of a burden than a blessing. Perhaps it’s because I majored in psychology with absolutely no intention of becoming an actual fucking psychologist. Perhaps it’s because I spent a-hundred-thousand-some-odd-dollars on a private college education that was reminiscent of a glorified high school, or perhaps it’s because in this day and age, people my age would rather come up with a made-up job (i.e. “YouTuber”) as opposed to taking more conventional routes—like, I don’t know—a kindergarten teacher or some shit. All that pent-up-self-entitled-millennial angst aside, I will admit that a college degree is something women look for in a man. It shows us that at least for 4-years you were able to accomplish something beyond blowing cocaine and Adderall off your textbooks (or a variety of other surfaces—drug users can be mighty creative.)

While most women will be smitten that you have any degree, there are definitely a few that stick out above the rest. Just remember, if nothing else, life is one big pissing contest whereupon you need to prove you’re better than the dude standing next to you for whatever superficial reason.


You have literally dedicated your life to, well…saving lives. That shows selflessness. Even if your mother has forced this upon you, it still reflects a sense of compassion, dedication, and adeptness at dealing with blood (and a shit ton of other gross bodily fluids that would make the most of pass out in sheer disgust.) You’re basically the apple of every girl’s eye/Grey’s Anatomy fantasy. I’m not going to specify which sorts of doctors are better than others because that’s not fair to those of you who will undoubtedly sacrifice 15-years of your life to get that Dr. prefix or MD suffix in your name…but let’s just say if you’re operating on brains, hearts, or delivering babies, you’re basically 1/3 of The Holy Trinity of who a female wants to date/bone/marry/have a conversation with.


Once again, even if your mother has forced this upon you being a lawyer is quite impressive. It’s basically surrendering your life to a crooked-business (because at the end of the day it’s all about money) that more often than not is run by people who have absolutely no moral compass. While this may seem like a turn off, I argue that lawyers are generally cunning, witty, self-reliant people who take no shit and know how to work a room (also free legal advice is a plus.)


I was apprehensive to put this on the list because I can personally attest to the fact that most Wall Street types are amphetamine crazed sexual deviants (you know the people who like to be pissed on regularly during sex as a means of domination? These are generally your guys.) But there’s something about the confidence level in anyone working in the financial world that’s appealing. You have to be extremely sure of your decisions, you generally work with high caliber people in high stress situations (the amphetamine/dominatrix thing is starting to make sense) and that shows capability. Generally men in finance are always decked out in a really nice suit (bonus if you wear a bow tie) which is 100% a turn on to every woman everywhere—unless she’s into dirty hipsters, in which case, forget her anyway.


You willingly want to surround yourself with anywhere from 20-30 screaming children every single day for the rest of your life. Even if you aren’t an elementary school teacher, then you want to surround yourself with anywhere from 20-30 bratty, self-righteous, iPhone obsessed, selfie stick carrying teenagers every day for the rest of your life. This is wildly brave of you. Ideally, you’ve chosen to become a teacher because you believe in influencing the future minds of this country and in turn shaping it for the better and not for the crazy-good-benefits and summers off (although, we wouldn’t blame you.)


It’s possible I’m being slightly biased (if you can even call me a journalist) but I will say that any man capable of formulating a thought out loud, let alone on paper, is good in my book. Generally this means you’re well-read, cultured, capable of being ready at a moment’s notice, and you have some basic idea about what the fuck is going on in the world, or at least how to create your own GIFs/quizzes. Plus you’ve got that whole artist thing going for you (believe it or not, yes, writing is an art form.)


To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who was an architect major, so maybe due to the rareness factor (like spotting a unicorn), it’s appealing. Architects are sort of a cross-breed between blue collar and white collar. You make good money (which if you haven’t noticed, is generally a plus) but you’re also more hands on, which gives off that “manly-man” vibe. Not to mention, there’s something poetic about designing structures that will (hopefully) remain on earth long after you’re gone. I know that sounds entirely too flowery for any heterosexual male to actually admit out loud, but I bet it gives architects everywhere a boner to know that they’re basically immortalized by their creations.


I’m a firm believer that advertising is the fucking back-bone of our existence. I’m serious. Those Coca-Cola ads may seem pointless to you, but I strongly make the argument that mankind wouldn’t exist without them. Sure, we’re humans, but at the end of the day, “consumers” would be a more appropriate title for all of us. Anyone capable of convincing me to buy something based off a commercial, or even better, print ad, is definitely worth a conversation, if not a one-night-stand. Then again, perhaps women everywhere think “advertising” and images of Don Draper smoking a cigarette, half naked immediately come to mind—so, maybe instead of advertising I should say, “Just act like a male protagonist on Mad Men and you’re set.”


I’m not saying that you aren’t going to attract women if you don’t fit into one of these categories, I’m just telling you what I’ve observed. It’s really a shame because the list of majors that WON’T get you laid is exponentially longer and most likely wildly offensive to those who have dedicated their futures to said subject. But why not round off a few…. for example:

Russian Literature (are you fucking kidding me…..why?)

Philosophy (thinking isn’t a job, it’s a basic function.)

Dance (leotards are NOT hot)

History (can’t you just watch a shit ton of documentaries on Netflix and get the same effect?)

Religion (you’re an asshole…and Jesus thinks so too.)

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