The 10 Types of People You’ll See At This Year’s Super Bowl Party
Super Bowl Sunday: It’s the most watched television event of the year. Your friends will gather to watch the game in a living room that is one seat short of being comfortable. “Let me grab you a chair,” says the host as they screech in a creaky wooden chair from the unknown. “Thanks so much,” you say as you sit down realizing that you are now sitting parallel to the TV screen. We’ve come a long way in angled viewing since those larger than your living room box TVs, but they still aren’t parallel viewing proof. Get a seat early and prepare to see these 10 types of people at this year’s Super Bowl party.
1. The drunk chick who knows nothing and keeps asking the same questions
This is arguably the worst person you’ll have to deal with at a Super Bowl party. They lay dormant during the regular season, and start training camp during the playoffs. In a way you can’t blame them, because they are just trying to understand what everyone else in the room is watching. However, football is a pretty simple sport in terms of understanding. If you put it on an understanding sports spectrum with baseball landing towards the most explainable and curling being impossible to explain it would land much closer to the baseball side.
2. The die-hard fan
He debated even coming to the party, because he loves his team so much that it’s unhealthy. Seriously, he hasn’t showered since they started their run in the playoffs and it’s really starting to show. He has the best seat in the house and leans forward towards the screen as if he’s trying to become a part of the stadium. Throughout the game he turns up the volume louder and louder, and becomes increasingly aggravated as the game approaches the end. Pray that his team wins or you’re in for a long night.
3. The guy who’s only there for the commercials
Throughout the year, we deal with tons of terrible commercials. I for one think Flo from Progressive needs get some life insurance and kill herself, but I digress. Luckily for us, once a year advertisers muster up all their creative juices to make one tolerable 30-second commercial for the year. The sad part is that we’re dumb enough to be excited about it. There’s always one person who is a little bit too excited though, and they will shush people through all four quarters laughing hysterically at talking animals with poor punch lines.
4. The guy who’s had one too many cocktails
This inebriated spectator will be violently shouting for a team he decided he was going to root for halfway through the second quarter. He means well, but makes most of the room uncomfortable after his third racist remark.
5. The bitter loser
They are a Packers or Cowboys fan who can’t look anyone square in the eyes, because they know how close their team was to being there instead. If they’re not muttering under their breath every time a major play happens, they are interjecting statements like, “If Rodgers would have been healthy it would have been a different story.” Similarly, a Colts fan won’t stop talking about how big of cheaters the Patriots are. After a few beers they will say things like, “If those balls were inflated properly the Colts would have scored an extra 39 points to win the game. Not a doubt in my mind.”
6. The compulsive gambler
He’s got money on the game. You’ll only know how much money he truthfully has on it if he covers. If he doesn’t, he will claim it is a much lower amount while holding back tears.
7. The band wagoner
He became a Seahawks fan after last year’s Super Bowl victory, and now he won’t stop talking about how he always liked the Seahawks. He didn’t mention the Seahawks much during the season, but now that they’re in the Super Bowl he will be the loudest person in the room. He will aim to persuade you why he likes them with irrelevant reasoning like, “Oh yeah I’ve got some relatives in the Seattle area.”
8. The drunk chick who thinks she knows a lot about the game
This is the overconfident girl in the group who knows the basics of football, but will be overly vocal about it. Most of her rants will be centered around calling out the refs on some sort of holding call. She knows the broad strokes, but every once in a while she will slip up and yell something like, “Why are they punting it?” She has a bit of a Madden play calling mindset, meaning no 4th down is too long to go for it, and onside kicks are always a possibility.
9. The host who’s really concerned that you eat all the food
The over accommodating host can be worse than a host who doesn’t care about you at all. They’ve prepared this nacho dip they can’t stop talking about and won’t leave you alone until you bong the remaining cheese in the crock pot. The game and commercials will constantly be interrupted by the overbearing host saying things like, “Can I get you some more dip? There’s plenty of dip left if you guys are hungry. You sure you’re not hungry?” No I’m cool I just consumed four pieces of pizza, a baker’s dozen worth of cocktail weenies, and a full pound of melted cheese.
10. The guy who’s a little too into Katy Perry’s halftime show
This guy won’t be paying much attention to the game or the commercials, but once Katy Perry takes the stage, he will become eerily quiet and won’t take his eyes off the screen throughout her entire performance. He will most likely be the creepy old guy of the group.
Side note: Someone will make the remark, “I’d like to play with her footballs,” in reference to Katy Perry’s boobs at some point during the halftime show. It is your decision on whether or not to leave him hanging after he puts his hand up for the high five.
I challenge you to shotgun a beer if someone actually says that during the halftime show.
Super Bowl responsibly.
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