Help Wanted — Ape Able To Pick Super Bowl Winners, Because The Other One Died
This is going to be even tougher to report than the passing of our dear brother Dick Butt.
It’s with a heavy heart that I report the news that Eli, the Utah ape who successfully picked seven straight Super Bowl winners, has passed away at the all too young age of 24. The Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City announced today that Eli died Saturday from complications due to breast cancer. We’re just glad he died before the Ray Rice video surfaced because that surely would have killed him.
Born in Topeka, Kansas, Eli moved to Utah in 2004 for better job opportunities. At his previous zoo, he was picking NASCAR race winners but wasn’t getting the respect he deserved. Eli turned his short attention span to making Super Bowl picks. He made his picks each year by choosing between either papier-mache helmets or goal posts with team logos. Last year, he swiftly bashed apart a Seattle Seahawks helmet. The Seahawks easily defeated the Denver Broncos 43-8 in Super Bowl XLVIII.
Eli leaves behind no family but a huge job opening. If you’re an ape who knows a lot about football, you’re probably Jay Glazer.