Argentina’s Javier Mascherano Tore His Anus Yesterday and You Watched it Happen

Argentine midfielder Javier Mascherano had a bit of a rough day yesterday against the Netherlands. Despite being part of a historic win in penalties, he suffered not one, but two really painful injuries.

One was an assumed concussion. We don’t know for sure if he sustained one because soccer cares not for its players’ mental well-being. Take that, NFL, you babies.

The medical staff’s brave decision to let him play turned out to be beneficial for Argentina, as Mascherano made a game-saving tackle on Arjen Robben in the final moments of regulation.

And that brings us to his second injury of the day.

His anus. He tore his anus.

“In the mixed zone, Javier Mascherano spared no words to describe the move: ‘I do not want to be rude…I tore the anus that play. So the pain…'”

Adjust your memes, people. LeBron James wouldn’t play through a cramp let alone soup brain or hole ass.

Soccer players truly are heroes. Heroes who will never sit down again.

[via ESPN Brazil]