Does anyone else remember that gimmicky as fuck contraption that people bought to help strengthen their abs, only to find out that the vibrating, mini-intervals actually caused more damn pain than actually lying down and doing 100 sit-ups?
Called the Ab Belt, it was an intense muscle massager that lazy people used while sitting around watching TV, more than likely, stuffing their face with a bunch of junk food that only offset any of the hopeful progress made.
Hell, had I known that all it took to get rich and famous was to take anything that vibrates—insert sex jokes here—and put them on your abs, I would have done that shit way back in the day. Actually convincing people that it helped tighten their flabby stomachs into a six-pack would be a cinch! All it would take would be a couple commercials and Internet stories to sell the thing—since everyone believes what they see with their own, two eyes.
So how does all of this relate back to soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo? Well, it turns out that the Portuguese and Real Madrid forward is actually pitching a damn-near duplicate product over in Japan right now, promising the fine people of that country that they can, indeed, get toned like CR7 if they use it.
Called the SixPad, Ronaldo has no shame in crediting all the hard work he has put into his robotic-like body to the device, dropping a seriously creepy look while rubbing his stomach to make people think that it’s this, not the hours of training, that led to his abs.
As if this cringe-worthy commercial isn’t enough, Ronaldo did a behind-the-scenes interview with the product, talking up even more bullshit about how it helped him over these past couple of years to stay in shape.
Oh well, considering the dude ranks No. 3 in the world on Forbes’ highest-paid athletes list—with $27 million coming from endorsements alone—I guess he’s doing something right. I mean, I’d lie to get a few million bucks, too.
As a matter of fact, as I’m writing this, I wonder if they need someone who could actually benefit from the SixPad? You know, a guy who occasionally runs, drinks cheap beer and eats pizza about five times a week? If they’re looking for an American hero with a four-pack to rep this thing to other common folks, give me a ring, I kind of want to join the Body Revolution—and I’ll do it for cheap!