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Going to the bathroom is a somewhat uncomfortable and embarrassing part of life. Everyone does it and everyone is constantly on alert for a potential emergency—like the one MLB legend George Brett once fell victim to en route to giving us one of the best food poisoning stories I’ve ever heard.
Brett spent every single one of the 21 seasons he played in the MLB with the Kansas City Royals, where he became one of the 33 players who’ve racked up more than 3,000 hits and was eventually inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame the first year he was eligible in 1999.
One of the defining parts of the third baseman’s legacy is the infamous Pine Tar Incident that led to Brett treating fans to an outburst for the ages after it nullified a home run he hit during a game against the Yankees in 1983, but for many people, he’s also associated with another fateful event involving a certain brown substance that made him equally miserable.
I am, of course, talking about…
The time George Brett pooped his pants after getting food poisoning
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Brett didn’t stray far from the Royals after he retired in 1993, as he unsuccessfully attempted to purchase the team after partnering with an ownership group in 1998 and eventually rejoined the organization as a part-time coach.
It was during that stint that Brett succumbed to a particularly brutal case of food poisoning while staying with the team at their hotel during spring training, and he was miked up while recounting the harrowing incident that’s since gone down in infamy.
The entire story is worth a listen, but I’ve taken the time to transcribe some of the highlights of a tale that kicks off with Brett bluntly telling another guy on the field “I s*** my pants last night,” which is a great start to any story; you start something like that—especially with the boys—and everyone will stop what they’re doing and listen every single time.
From there, Brett details the beginning of the night and how he got into the situation: he was in Las Vegas, got some crab legs at a restaurant, then did some gambling. With a tee time in the morning, he decided to get to leave the tables and head to bed.
However, things took a turn when he headed to the course in the morning, as he recalled:
“I get 3/4 of the way out of the lobby and all the sudden I go *stops in his tracks* ‘OHHH F***!’
I’m standing here like this; I got my butt pinched. I can’t move. All of a sudden, I felt alright, I [stepped forward]….water.”
All down his leg. It’s like one second of clear skies tricking you into thinking it’s a sunny day so you go outside without a jacket before a storm hits.
This is an absolute nightmare, man. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to end up in a situation like this. If you’re a nobody in the middle of nowhere, it’s obviously still embarrassing, but to be a famous baseball player who could potentially be recognized while you can feel “stuff” coming down your leg? That has got to be mortifying.
From there, Brett said he took off his leather jacket and tied it around his waist while standing in the lobby of the hotel. However, as he notes, there’s only so much he can do to hide what’s running down his jeans:
“I just start walking. Every time I’m walking, something’s coming out. It’s water. Straight f****** water.”
From an outsider’s perspective, this must have been hilarious, but Brett was obviously not laughing at the situation that caused him to ring up his friend Larry and deliver the following message:
“Larry you’re not going to believe this: I’m standing outside the Bellagio, I got s*** everywhere. I s*** all over myself.”
Thankfully, Larry was able to offer some help by bringing him a pair of pants that definitely don’t fit his friend as well as some towels before they make it to the bathroom and Brett hops into a stall to change out of his disgusting clothes.
“I left my shoes, my pants, the towel right there in the stall, and I’m walking barefoot with my shirt and his pants that are 48 waist, through the lobby of the hotel.”
I just feel sorry for whoever had to come in and clean that up.
Something like this will never be covered as a breaking story on ESPN, but it’s one of those sports stories you’ll never forget once you hear it for the first time.
If Brett decided to pivot to a career in comedy, he could sign up for an open mic, condense this into a tight five-minute set, and easily be the star of the night.