Pennsylvania Brewery Is Making A Joe Paterno-Themed Beer, Which Is Good, Because Alcohol Makes You Forget Stuff

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“I’m sorry officer. I can’t remember exactly what happened at that moment, because I was drinking Joe Paterno Beer.”

– Joe Paterno Beer. The beer that helps you forget the things that need to be forgotten. 

That is probably not going to be the slogan and advertising strategy Duquesne Beer will use, but they should. For the brewery is teaming with Joe’s son Jay to brew a beer that “will build on the legacy of the late Penn State coach Joe Paterno.”

You know, a beer that gets you drunk enough to scream at 18-year-olds. A beer that you can sip while burying a sexual assault report from the police that involves one of your players. A beer that makes you ignore the fact that your best friend is molesting little boys. A beer you can crack open after a hard day of the office prepping for Michigan’s Pistol attack and debating whether your defensive coordinator’s genius schemes and ability to stop the rush outweigh his sexually-deviant behavior.

You know. A football beer. A man’s beer. The kind of beer a man can enjoy with his Bros, whose behavior he may disapprove of, but what are you gonna do? They’re your Bros.

The Paterno Legacy beer will be available for football season, and it will most likely be drunk unironically — and with gusto — by the legions of people who slavishly support the institutions that help to perpetuate all these improprieties.

It will be a “premium-style lager.”