What Professions NFL Quarterbacks Should Have, Based On Their Names

Jeff Hanisch / USA Today

You ever hear a name, see that person’s respective profession and think, “Damn, that person was meant to be a _____”? As I was cycling through all of the NFL quarterbacks, some dudes stood out as having prototypical QB names, but others, well, they stood out for different reasons.

Teddy Bridgewater, Minnesota Vikings (R&B Singer)

You can’t tell me with 100% certainty that your uncle doesn’t have a Teddy Bridgewater vinyl record somewhere in his attic. If you’re name was Theodore in the 1980s, you had a 50% chance of selling 100,000 soul records to overweight black women on the doorsteps of menopause.

Blake Bortles, Jacksonville Jaguars (Founder of a start-up)

Fucking Blake, man. I have no problem with you as a quarterback/person and truly think you have a bright NFL future ahead, but your name sucks. You sound like the dude in college that never went out or talked to anyone, but somehow quietly developed a start-up valuated at $5 billion. Now you take any and every opportunity to stunt on all of our lives while we toil away at our thankless jobs. Hatechu, Blake.

Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys (Bouncer at that bar that doesn’t really need a bouncer)

Ah, Tony Romo. We all knew you’d make it on this list somehow. Fortunately for you, we are not debating whether you’re an elite quarterback or if you suck, but instead wondering what kind of dickhead bouncer you’d be. To be completely honest, names don’t get more bouncer’ish than Tony Romo. You were supposed to be a dude in a black t-shirt (1-3 sizes too small) with an empty, discerning facial expression and pending ‘roid rage at the mere sight of a dropped glass. There’s still time, I guess.

Tom Brady, Andy Dalton, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Alex Smith, Matthew Stafford, Matt Ryan, Phillip Rivers assorted teams (Investment Bankers, Private Equity, Hedge Fund Mangers)

Introducing the cookie-cutter bunch. These are names that you would likely see atop your college’s investment club committee. They also prepped wild hard for their interviews at one of the bulge bracket banks with aspirations of working tireless hours in order to break into the buy-side to eventually drive Range Rovers and fuck your girlfriend. If you work at one of these places, what’s your name? Who’s the dude sitting nearest to you? Point proven.

Peyton/Eli Manning, Denver Broncos/New York Giants (High school janitor/Mom & Pop store owner)

Peyton and Eli Manning have done absolute wonders for their respective names. Prior to their prominence as NFL quarterbacks, Peyton was reserved for hot blondes and slack-jawed janitors and Eli was reserved for that dude (he’s racist, but you have no definitive proof) that let you barter with him at the cash register for a stick of butter. Next time you spill soda on your high school floor, think about Peyton Manning, the janitor that’s a little slow with a heart of gold.

Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts (Social Media Manager for a Non-Profit)

Andrew Luck just sounds like a good guy. I have no basis for this other than the positive connotation surrounding the word “luck”, but we’re going to roll with it anyway. What do good people do? They work at non-profits, while simultaneously telling you repeatedly that they work at a non-profit. Andrew Luck will listen to you explain your job function, tell you “that’s so great” and then go on to unknowingly make you feel bad about your lifestyle. Not on purpose, though. It’s just the type of guy he is.

Kyle Orton, Buffalo Bills (the name sounds exactly like he looks)

Kevin Jairaj / USA Today


BONUS: Darryl Strawberry’s daughter’s name is Diamond. Yup, Diamond Strawberry. So none of this should be a surprise: