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Where in the world is Aaron Rodgers? Other than the Boston Celtics steamrolling the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals and the Los Angeles Lakers zeroing in on LeBron James’ podcast co-host JJ Redick as their head coach, that’s been the question on the tip of the sports world’s tongue this week.
First, a quick timeline of events for clarity. On Tuesday, June 11, New York Jets head coach Robert Saleh told the media that Aaron Rodgers was skipping mandatory minicamp for an event that was “important” to him. Those are all the details that Saleh gave.
The reaction to Rodgers’ mysterious whereabouts was quite predictable, with sports media personalities such as Nick Wright and Colin Cowherd piling on the 40-year-old quarterback for his lack of leadership.
Cowherd, however, also attempted to inject some information into the discussion, as he claimed a source told him that Rodgers was on an “overseas vacation.” Cowherd, however, also said that the public would find out where Rodgers is on Thursday, June 13, which never came to pass.
Some thought he might be in California for an event that his buddy Robert F. Kennedy was holding in Glendale on Thursday night, but thus far, there haven’t been any reports of Rodgers popping up at the “Private Reception with RFK Jr.”
It’s now Friday, June 14, and Rodgers, despite the vitriol and speculation that surrounds him — which, for Rodgers, is like slitting your wrist in the shark-infested waters of Volusia County, as he usually cannot resist forcing himself into the conversation — has still not been seen or heard from, leaving the question of where in the world Aaron Rodgers is unanswered. That’s where we come in.
Where is Aaron Rodgers? A Half-Serious Ranking of the Places He Could Possibly Be
6. Under Pat McAfee’s Couch
This theory comes courtesy of Mets broadcasters Gary Cohen and Steve Gelbs, who suggested that Rodgers may just be lurking in the shadows of Pat McAfee’s adult frat house.
5. He entered the Matrix
Rodgers certainly seems like someone who would dig being called “The One,” so it’s entirely possible a leather-trenchcoat-wearing karate master handed him a mysterious red pill and plugged him into the mainframe to join the war against the machines.
4. Green Bay, Wisconsin
As Matthew McConaughey famously opined while cruising down a skyline-lit highway in a Lincoln, sometimes to go forward, you have to go back. Rodgers may be retracing his steps to remember what it means to be an NFL quarterback and not a psychospiritual soul warrior, or whatever his post-Ayahuasca-and-darkness-retreat title may be.
3. He fell asleep in his cryochamber and accidentally Walt Disney’d himself
Rodgers famously does his own medical research, but only when it’s convenient to him. He didn’t ask Chat GPT how to perform surgery on his exploded Achilles, for example.
The point is, for all of Rodgers’ outward resistance to science, he happens to rely on it quite a bit. And given that he’s now 40 years old, taking care of his body is a full-time job, thus creating the need for a cryochamber. Just to be safe, the Jets would be wise to send someone down to Rodgers’ basement to make sure he didn’t accidentally eat too many gummies, fall asleep in the cryochamber, and Walt Disney himself. This is also known as “Pulling an Alien” or the “Matt Damon Dr. Mann Maneuver.”
2. Trying to break into the Vatican Library
Rodgers’ absence is reportedly the result of a vacation to Europe, but the reason for the trip—and his destination—is still shrouded in mystery. However, based on what we know about the QB, the most likely explanation is that he hatched a complex plan to infiltrate the Secret Archives in the Vatican Library after reading a Dan Brown novel he didn’t realize was a work of fiction. (via Connor Toole)
1. On a tropical beach with his girlfriend
For as eccentric and deep-thinking as Rodgers likes to position himself as being, the truth, as it usually is, is actually far simpler than that: Rodgers is just a dude.
Yes, he’s one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever live, but there’s a reason why colleagues such as CJ Stroud will openly question his leadership ability while heaping praise at Tom Brady’s feet: there is nothing remarkable about Rodgers’ personality. If there was, like Stroud suggested, he’d have probably won more titles by now.
So, ultimately, all of the conspiracies and jokes about where Rodgers might be are missing the point: he hasn’t taken a SpaceX rocketship to the dark side of the moon, he hasn’t gone spelunking in the Son Doong Cave, he probably isn’t even huffing Ayahuasca and taking a glorified nap in a $3000/night treehouse. He’s far more boring, more unremarkable, more straightforward.
Of all the places in the world that Rodgers could possibly be, the most likely is that he’s on vacation with his girlfriend. Why? Because he cares about himself more than his team. Nothing more, nothing less.