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THE HEADLINES

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PUTTING RADIO ON THE MOTHER-F*CKING INTERNET

Sirius XM is planning to buy Pandora for roughly $3.5B. And investors were having none of it. The satellite radio provider fell 10% on the news. Sirius CEO Jim Meyer did little to assuage investor fears on an afternoon conference call: “My gut tells me — that’s [cross-promo] where I see the biggest opportunity.” *facepalm*

Owners of Sirius have reason for concern. Pandora is the Myspace to Spotify’s Instagram. Simply put, becoming a Spotify competitor overnight isn’t good for business. That said, Pandora has been mounting a comeback of sorts, boasting 6M paying customers under the oversight of its new CEO.

And let’s not forget that Sirius and Pandora have a history. The XM provider breathed life into a fledgling Pandora last year with a $480M investment. Sunk cost … ever heard of it?

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Does anyone actually buy Sirius XM or do they just use the 3-month trial in their new GM vehicle then go back to using Spotify?”

 

A PICTURE IS WORTH …

Snap and Amazon are partnering up to allow Snapchat users to shop for products on Amazon simply by taking a picture of an item in-app.

When Snapchatters open up their app, a camera appears, presenting users with a monumental decision: take a picture of their genitals for use in a futile mating strategy … or snap a photo of a product and/or barcode and buy said item directly on Amazon.

The deal will be mutually beneficial. Snap has struggled with growing revenue since going public this past March. Amazon will also reap the benefits, as the deal will entice younger shoppers to become Amazon addicts like their Prime-junkie parents.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Snapping expensive items available for sale on Amazon just got a whole lot more dangerous …”

 

FOR ZUCK’S SAKE

The Tom Anderson(s) of Instagram are stepping away from the company they built and sold to Facebook for roughly $1B in 2012. According to Instagram’s blog Kevin Systrom and Mike Krieger plan to pursue other ventures. Read: they can’t f*cking stand Zuck.

Rumors have been swirling about the co-founders clashing with Facebook execs, including Zuckerberg directly. Zuck and Co. have begun to increasingly rely on IG to buoy FB amid ongoing scandals, even increasing the amount of time dedicated to the ‘Gram on investor calls.

And this isn’t the first major blow to Facebook in the personnel department this year. Jan Koum, the founder of WhatsApp, another of Facebook’s acquisitions, stepped down earlier this year because of disagreements with a certain hoodies wearing, Jesse Eisenberg look-a-like.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Stop trying to make Facebook stories happen.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

•  Where the gold at? Barrick Gold will buy Randgold for $6B in an all-share merger thus making Barrick the largest gold digger on earth.

 

• Metro PCS is finally making a name change five years after its marriage with T-Mobile. The prepaid service was re-introduced, along with 2 new unlimited plans, as “Metro by T-Mobile.” Real original.

 

• Apple and SalesForce have announced a partnership with the goal of bringing Siri to enterprise customers.

 

• Sears CEO Eddie Lampert has put a plan in place asking creditors to refinance some $1.1B in debt coming due in 2019 and 2020. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a no from me, dog,” said every bank ever.

 

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