There’s only one thing people love more than celebrities and that’s making shit up about celebrities. For the most part, these tall tales tend to be pretty mundane – X slept with Y, Z is a cokehead, Z did coke off of X while X slept with Y, that sort of thing only with slightly less algebra – but occasionally a story gets out there that is so ridiculous that nobody could ever believe it. And yet, somehow, enough gullible idiots manage to fall for it that the story spreads and grows until finally it becomes the most dreaded of all stories: the urban legend. Some of them are funny and some are disgusting, while others are just plain weird. But what the following all have in common is that they are eight of the most ridiculous celebrity urban legends of them all.
Photo credit: Megan Fox image by s_bukley/Shutterstock
The idea that Mr. Rogers was not only a Vietnam Vet, but a full-on merciless Navy Seal Sniper with over 150 kills to his name is obviously too ridiculous to believe. Then again, that is the sort of traumatic experience that would cause a man to snap and spend all day talking to puppets. Sure, some dudes get the shakes, others turn to drugs, while still others just make necklaces out of enemy body parts in the jungle but after putting a bullet through the heads of a bunch of dudes in black pajamas you can see how it could cause the sort of psychotic break that would cause a mild-mannered man who just loved sweaters and his neighbors to suddenly think he was a dude named King Friday and on really bad days a mean old nag named Lady Elaine Fairchild. Sadly, however, Mr. Rogers was never even in the military which means that the only way to explain his behavior is that he was just really, really weird.
This urban legend has many variations, some of which claim that Ms. Fox was born a man and then had a sex change operation, some which claim that she’s actually just a dude in drag (which is one hell of a costume if true) while others go for the subtler, classier route and say that she’s a hermaphrodite. But let’s face it, even if this one were true which it isn’t because, well, obviously, let’s not pretend like she still wouldn’t make any of you do things to yourself that your mother told you would make you go blind. I’m just saying, if she’s a man then I think I might be gay. Frankly, I’m more disturbed by the fact that she married Brian Austin Green and agreed to bear his hell-spawn. Now that’s a terrifying urban legend.
Photo credit: Megan Fox image by Jaguar PS/Shutterstock
What? No, seriously… what? Who in the hell even comes up with something like this? Apparently, this urban legend started when a tabloid claimed that Courtney Love’s mother planned to reveal in a new book that Marlon Brando made her mother – Courtney’s grandmother – an offer she couldn’t refuse and by that I of course mean he gave her a ride on the "Streetcar Named Desire." Courtney’s mom immediately denied ever writing such a thing but the story stuck around anyway and to this day there are people who think that Marlon is Courtney’s grandpa and that there is DNA evidence to prove it. Obviously, that’s nuts because unless Marlon Brando was actually a lump of collagen filled with balloons of heroin and gin then I don’t think he and Courtney’s DNA would have much in common.
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Bizarrely, someone started a rumor that Mel Gibson’s The Man Without a Face was based on his own life and that he had been born without a face before a succession of surgeries fixed him right up, which is totally believable until you remember that whenever someone gets their face mangled the best they can do is a reconstructive surgery that makes the patient look like the elephant man after getting whacked with a baseball bat in a fun house. On the other hand, it’s actually believable that Mel Gibson would base a movie on his own life since as we all know Passion of the Christ was loosely based on his own experiences with hating Jews. But really, if you believe this one is true then congratulations, you too were an inspiration for a movie: Dumb and Dumber.
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons
This urban legend has been around forever, basically because beneath all the makeup and leather Marilyn Manson basically just looks like a huge skinny nerd, which is pretty much all anybody remembers about Paul. But Manson has always been the source of weird rumors and legends – aside from the one that says he played Fred Savage’s best friend on The Wonder Years, the funniest and most ridiculous is probably the one that says he got some ribs removed so he could, uh, sing into his own microphone. In case you were confused by the clever metaphor there, people actually believed that he had his ribs removed so he could be flexible enough to suck his own… microphone, which is actually kind of ironic because it was actually the real Paul from The Wonder Years who had his ribs removed for purposes of self-fellatio. Okay, not really, but let’s all start that rumor anyway.
Photo credit: Daigo Oliva, Flickr
This urban legend took off after people noticed that Paul was barefoot on the cover of the Beatles’ Abbey Road album which, uh, I guess means that someone is dead? I don’t know. I don’t get it either. But apparently it was enough evidence for some people that Paul was really dead, an urban legend which persists to this day, although honestly, you have to admire the commitment of impostor Paul to keep up appearances for so long. I mean, the fake has even given up his own dignity by agreeing to continue as the maker of mediocre elevator music for years now. No, but really, Paul McCartney never died. He was actually in a horrific accident which rendered him unable to wear shoes because they interfered with his cybernetic interface which is located in the soles of his feet. Come on, people, get with the program.
Photo credit: Paul McCartney image by Jaguar PS/Shutterstock
This particularly delightful urban legend has been told about a number of musicians – when I first heard it, it was Lil’ Kim – but the most famous victim is Rod Stewart. The story goes that ol’ Rod was rushed to the emergency room with I guess cramps or something and after pumping his stomach the doctors were astounded to find that he had a pint of semen in there. I guess that wasn’t milk in that glass after all. Sure, the tendency is to snigger and laugh because ha ha, he must have sucked a bunch of dicks but maybe he was just an early adopter of the high protein diet. Ever think of that?
Photo credit: Bruce Tuten, Flickr
This one is the most infamous celebrity urban legend of them all. Basically, the story goes that Richard Gere was rushed to the hospital one night because he had a gerbil stuck up his ass. You know what? I actually sort of believe this one. Yeah, it’s still completely ridiculous, but let’s face it, Hollywood is a ridiculous place and besides, who hasn’t wondered what it would be like to shove Mickey Mouse up their butt? Anyone? No? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, Richard Gere will never live this down. It has become the most famous thing about him, which is kind of sad but hey, that’s what happens when you star in things like Dr. T and the Women.
Photo credit: Richard Gere image by Featureflash/Shutterstock
(Previously published on March 29, 2013.)