The craziest thing to ever happen in my dorm freshman year was that I came home one night to hear my roommate screaming at her boyfriend over Skype. The doors to our rooms were made out of what seemed like solid wood and were 2-3 inches thick, so while I was impressed that her lungs hadn’t popped from the overexertion it sucked because I had to go kill time somewhere else while she let her ovaries explode all over the guy.
As you can see, my dorm sucked.
But the people who posted in the Reddit thread “College Students/Graduates of Reddit, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever witnessed in your dorm/residence hall?” clearly had more interesting dorm lives than I did:
2 things, same dude:
we had a guy who’s room was at the end of the hall so it had a little extra space next to his door. A little alcove. We had tour groups come through our dorm with prospective students and their families. Well on one of those days he tore out a bunch of pics from his playboys and posted them all over his door and on the walls outside his room. He took 3 chairs from the common room and put them outside his room as well. He then had a sign that said “The Bitches and Hoes Waiting Room”. A mother went absolutely ballistic when she saw that. He got into deep shit for it too.
a few months later when another tour group came through, our RA Bill, who was a total asshole, was giving kind of a speech to the highschoolers and their families. So our buddy “fell” out of his room in just his boxers and his hands tied behind his back with a sock in his mouth. He spit the sock out and started yelling “BILL! UNTIE ME! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!!” Our RA was humiliated, the parents went absolutely nuts over it.
Our buddy was kicked out later that day
Across the hall from me lived Ron and Todd (not their real names, but who cares). They were…not a good match. Ron was basically a fat hippie, and Todd was on the football team. The funny thing about was that it was Todd who drove Ron crazy, not the other way around–Todd basically didn’t care about Ron’s antics, but Ron couldn’t stand sharing his dorm room with a straight edge.
So after a few months, Ron cooks up a plan to get Todd out of the room. And this is how it goes down, based on Todd’s story about what actually happened. One night, middle of the night, Todd wakes up. The blinds in the room have been pulled open, and it’s light enough to see in the room. Ron is standing in the middle of the room, naked, painting a huge mural on the wall that has the door on it. As Ron moves from area to area to paint, he skipps and quietly sings to himself. Ron also paints himself. Little paint for the wall, little paint for Ron. After 5+ minutes of watching this scene from his bed with growing disbelief and horror, Todd says something, and Ron turns slowly to face Todd, skips over to Todd’s bed, kisses Todd full on the lips, and says “go back to sleep Todd, you’re dreaming.” Todd is just sleepy enough to find this somewhat convincing, so he rolls over. Also, what else is he going to do? Fight his naked, paint-covered roommate?
The next morning, Todd wakes up. And there’s no mural anywhere in the room. No paint on the floor, no paint on any of Ron’s bedclothes, and Ron is fast asleep in his bed, wearing a tshirt. Todd wakes Ron up and asks if anything…odd was going on in their room last night. Ron replies that he had a chem test that wiped him out, so he just came straight home and went to bed and had been asleep until Todd woke him up.
So now Todd doesn’t know what the funk to think, but the best answer appears to be that he had a homoerotic dream about his roommate being a painting satyr. So Todd nopes the fuck out of the dorm room and gets reassigned. It made no sense to the rest of us either, until much later when we were having a beer in Ron’s room. He asked us if we wanted to see something cool. Sure, we did. So he shut off all the lights and then turned on a lamp hidden near his bed–with a blacklight. All the sudden, a massive, glowing mural appeared on the wall with the door on it. And all over Ron’s sheets and comforter. And Ron just started laughing his fool ass off.
And that’s how Ron got a room to himself.
I was an RA. I had 8 residents trap a raccoon and bring it into their dorm to “domesticate” it. Guess what happens when you let a Raccoon in the dorm? It fucks shit up.
Lived in a 21 floor tower, something like 1600 students lived in it. 4 guys decided to have a jam session in an elevator and go up and down the building – had drums, guitar, saxophone, and vocalist. I think every single floor wanted to murder them.
One guy peed on a cookie sheet and let it freeze outside in winter. He took said frozen sheet of pee and slid it under another guy’s door when he wasn’t there. All the rooms in that dorm were carpeted.
My sophomore year I lived in a house with 6 roommates. We threw a lot of unnecessarily wild parties and would let random people sleep on our couches overnight. Well, one afternoon I get back from class and a (clearly) homeless guy who I noticed sleeping on a couch that morning, but didn’t kick out because I was late for class, was just chillin, eating my fucking mac n cheese and playing ps3.
At this point I tried getting him to leave but he wouldn’t, and all my roommates were busy upstairs getting high as shit to be bothered to notice a homeless man was residing in our house.
The man was wearing a raggedy black shirt that simply said “BONES” on it. When I asked what his name was, he told me his name was Bones Justice. Once I filled my roommates in on all this and they finished their session, I called the cops and told them we had a trespasser who refused to leave and we needed assistance. When they asked if we had a name for the individual, I said, “Bones Justice.” To which the operator fucking replied, “Oh, not Bones again. Patrol is on their way.”When the cops came, and this is where it gets great, they got out of their squad car and yelled, “Bones! Come on out!” And Bones Justice gleefully ran out to the squad car and hopped in the backseat.
One of my friends girlfriends had a roommate that would masturbate almost every night, she said it sounded like someone vigorously stirring macaroni. I remember this story EVERY time i cook macaroni…
In my freshman dorm there was a girl who lived alone, was not very attractive and who we never saw with any friends. And she was extremely loud whenever she masturbated. It sounded like humpback whale songs or something. You could hear it just walking down the hall or even in adjacent rooms. And then at some point late in the year it went up a few notches and became much more frequent, like she’d discovered something new.
Fast-forward to the end of the year as we were moving out and someone said to my roommate and I that they were looking forward to never having to hear her again. That person left and my roommate started laughing. It turned out he was fucking her those last few months under the cover of everyone else presuming that she was just masturbating up a storm.
A guy I knew used to hook up with girls and then throw their clothes into the hall outside his room, then lock them out of his room, making them get dressed in the hall in front of whomever was around.
I think he works for Comcast now, which fits.
I lived on the 9th floor of the dorms my freshmen year. One wing was males and the other wing females. One of the girls on my floor received a giant, 10+ inch black dildo with a suction cup attachment as a gag gift from her friends on her 19th birthday. The guys on my floor thought it would be great fun to periodically steal, then chase each other around with said dildo and beat the living hell out of each other with it. I was in my neighbors room one day when his dorm-mate busted open the door and threw this thing full force at him. Fortunately my friend was able to react quick enough to dodge out of the way… unfortunately for us though the dildo went careening full bore into the window behind him, smashed through it and proceeded to fall 9 stories. We watched in horror and shock as this dildo fell and hit a freshmen girl on the head, who immediately collapsed and began convulsing. Cops and paramedics came and took me, my two neighbors and the poor girl who owned the dildo down to the campus police station. They put us all into an interrogation room where we waited until a detective came in… with the dildo in hand. He then proceeded slam down the suction cup end of the dildo onto the middle of the interrogation table. We all lost our shit, we couldn’t stop laughing due to the fact that this thing was slowly wobbling back and forth during the whole interrogation.
And don’t worry, the girl who got conked in the head with this thing was fine in the end.
The Slip & Slide we had on the ground floor was pretty epic but probably not as epic as this one girl. For some reason she decided to fuck twelve guys on her floor and turn the peep hole backwards. Reverse peep hole “Seinfeld” style for everyone to see. I’m fairly confident she didn’t graduate
My dorm had a Secret Santa thing where your Santa would give you a task to do, and if you completed it, you’d get a gift. In the packed dining hall one night shortly before Christmas break, a huge, hairy, completely naked man jumps onto a table, tucks his junk between his legs, and screams “daddy only likes me when I’m a little girl!”.
My roommate was his Santa, and as a reward for completing the task, she gave him a teddy bear wearing overalls.
Guy down the hall was just nasty. Smelled bad, slovenly, but very friendly. He never went to class. You might be thinking “gamer”, but nope – he was a day trader. Always told us about his wins/losses for that day. Anyway, this was before mobile devices, and he hardly ever left his computer as a result. Traded in movements of pennies.
So he had milk jugs to pee in. He told us proudly about how much time he saved by peeing in milk jugs. I presumed he’d dump them out routinely, but the first time I caught sight of his room I learned the truth. It was as messy as you’d imagine, but then I saw the jugs.
All over his room. The floor, windowsill, computer desk. My memory is hazy by now, but I’d say he had at least 20 1-gallon milk jugs full of piss in his room.
To be fair I couldn’t verify that they were all actually full or just waiting in reserve, but at a glance at least some of them were clearly topped off. And honestly, how many gallons of piss is really acceptable to keep in your room?
[H/T Reddit]