With the day of thanks just around the corner, now is as good a time as any for men to start expressing their gratitude for certain things in their life. The common phrase is that “life isn’t fair.” While true, it’s the simple pleasures and rare gifts, both of the physical and spiritual nature that can sweeten up an otherwise bitter existence. Here are 8 things that every man should be thankful for in their lives.
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Do not underestimate an ability that a male learns at a very young age. To women, this little waste elimination caveat is as valuable to them as precious stones. No matter where we are on God’s green Earth, we can drop trou’ and unleash a precise stream of whizzle. If you’ve ever been on a road trip with a female, you’ve witnessed the dreadful “squat.” While men can stand tall when taking a piss, women must kneel in a field of grass like they were lawn gnomes.
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A man can lie without feeling bad about it. It’s not that we’re inherently disingenuous; it’s merely that we like to take the path that offers the least amount of resistance. Laziness is ahead of godliness in our book.
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Having an older brother affords a man endless benefits. As kids it shows us exactly how much we can get away with from our parents. As teenagers it shows us what liquor store will let you buy booze if you’ve got a peach-fuzz ‘stache. And as adults it shows us that marrying a girl with a city as a first name is never going to end in blissful matrimony.
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You’ve gotta be a complete moron to end up with a sexually transmitted disease these days. Mistakes happen, thus babies happen. But if you even have the slightest inclination that a women’s vagina is more fiery than a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, you probably shouldn’t stick your willy in that picante palace. But inevitably there was a time when you let Boone’s Farm do the bidding and talking, and you danced with the devil with the huge chest, and nothing came of it. Lucky bastards.
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The world has a problem with nipples. I’m just going to come out and say it. What separates an obscene photo from one that’s not? Whether or not the woman has strategically placed enough fingers over her nipples to cover them from public humiliation. Cleavage is so last year. Side boob is the new hotness. Why? Because cleavage has been crafted to be stared at, while side boob is that naughty little treat that you weren’t ever expecting. Here’s to ogling women in side profile!
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God damn does taking your shirt off and walking around feel glorious. Sure, women can do this (please, God make this a social trend), but I’ve yet to come across one who would prance around her pad topless, even if she didn’t have a roommate.
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If God had allowed men to, ahem, service themselves with their, ahem, own mouths instead of their hands, nothing would ever get done. Life as we know it would end. All that would be left was that gentle suckling noise that comes along with a baby and his bah-bah. Women have single-handedly saved society with the ability to perform said act.
Photo credit: David Guo's Master, Flickr
Get down on your hands and knees and thank whatever deity you believe in, whether it’s Jesus or Superman, and sing his praises for the fact that you don’t have to deal with a bloody axe wound. Let’s give another round of thankful applause that we don’t have to deal with that whole “area,” and the birthing responsibilities that come along with owning a hoo-hah. Our junk is our junk. Simple.
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(Originally published on November 23, 2011.)