You’re not Adam Richman and you’re definitely not Takeru Kobayashi, and yet food challenges intrigue you. You feel both ravenously hungry and desperately ill thinking about the incredibly quantity of delicious food that must be consumed, and just like a horrific accident, you can’t look away from the promise of well-respected gluttony that are American food challenges. Here are some insane ones you can’t possibly win.
The Challenge: The “Fire in Your Hole” challenge involves eating ten hot wings that have been lathered with ghost pepper (with a Scoville heat rating of 855,000–1,463,700 as compared to a lowly Jalapeno’s rating of 3,500-8,000) extract. You’ve got 20 minutes to down these wings, and the next 12 or so days worth of unholy digestive problems to regret your decision.
The Prize: Those who best this challenge will get their picture on the wall of fame.
The Challenge: The “Great Calzone Challenge” pits you against a 7.5 pound calzone and a bucket (that’s right, a bucket) of soda.
The Prize: If finished in less than 90 minutes, the $20 calzone, a T-shirt and a picture on their wall of fame be ye prize.
The Challenge: Devour a Godzilla Roll (a 6 pound sushi roll) that’s brimming with more than a dozen different ingredients including spicy tuna and lobster.
The Prize: Free food, t-shirt and a photo on the wall of fame will be your well-earned prize.
The Challenge: Finalize the details of your legal will, and then consume a deep-fried, 64 oz. steak…with 6 pounds of mashed potatoes, gravy and 10 slices of Texas toast.
The Prize: Do this, and you’ll receive a free meal, a picture on the wall of fame and a t-shirt.
The Challenge: The “Bacon Bomb” challenge would normally serve 6 or so hungry people, but if you chose to do this, you’ll be consuming five pounds of ground meat (pork and sausage), wrapped lovingly in brown sugar bacon strips, plus fries or potato salad.
The Prize: Finish it in 45 minutes or less and you’ll get your picture on the wall of fame.
The Challenge: The “Kitchen Sink” challenge puts challengers up against a sundae made with eight scoops of ice cream, three bananas, nine toppings (including nuts), whipped cream and a cherry.
The Prize: Finish your frosty cry for help in under an hour and you’ll get free ice cream for a year. Because that’s what you want.
The Challenge: The “Dirty 30 Pizza Challenge” is a team effort; grab your hungriest friend and eat a roughly 8-1/2 pound, 30-inch pizza pie with 4 toppings (two meat, two veggie) in less than an hour.
The Prize: Besides the reward of becoming brothers for life, your meal (which would have cost a very reasonable $35) will be free.
The Challenge: Behold Jack-N-Grill’s 7 pound breakfast burrito: 12 eggs, 5 potatoes, 1 onion, 1/2 pound ham, 1/2 pound cheese, green or red chile, and a partridge in a fail tree. You can take as long as you want…but you can’t go to the bathroom.
The Prize: A picture on their wall of fame.
The Challenge: Take down a complete 180 of oysters in a single sitting until you have aphrodisiac pouring out your goddamn eye sockets.
The Prize: A free meal and a t-shirt. Of course.