A Comprehensive Analysis of Cosmo’s ‘20 Guys To Avoid In Your Twenties’
You know, because Men. Terrible entities. Dedicated to destroying the psyche of every girl around them. Hey, it's the only way we'll get laid or something. The problem with her list is, though, is not that it covered a few bad apples. No, you are on it. And you are on it. And you are on it. It encompasses almost every single male alive. And guess what, you are bad guys. Gents who through the sheer force of your existence are destined to ruin every lady until she becomes a bitter Sex and the City-stereotype, drinking cocktails to cope with the shambles of her love life. Fuck you. Why the fuck would you do that? But I digress.
Here's Breslaw's list, and why it is wrong.
20. The guy who Instagrams pictures of himself shirtless. Everybody just calm down.
I didn't realize a male having a positive body image could be so emotionally devastating to you.
19. The dull guy whose only positive attribute is taking you out to fancy dinners. No, the $300 solid-gold nori roll is not worth it. Without him, you might have to eat Cup O’Noodles, but you will not have to eat your pride.
Yes, you'd be awful if you abused this, but in what way does going on a date or two ruin your life?
18. The guy who spends like a drunken sailor — on his parents’ dime. Some of us do have to dip into the parental fund now and then, but it’s for rent, not for said $300 solid-gold nori roll dinner and the flat-screen TV in the living room.
You say that, until it comes time to pay for a wedding.
17. The guy who owns a typewriter. FUCK. THAT.
16. The guy who’s using Foursquare to brag about his nightlife. So he got into that exclusive nightlife venue: “Ironic Dive Bar” For Insanely Rich People. That is great for him. But do we all need to know? I’m about to go take a shit in a really fancy bathroom, want me to check in?
It's 2013. If you haven't gotten over your OMG WHY do people have to be braggadocious on social media phase, you never will.
15. The once-a-month hookup you obsessively stalk on Facebook and Twitter. One second he’s here, the next second — poof. You want to find out if he’s seeing someone else, but you don’t want to ask your mutual friends, because that is embarrassing, so you just troll his social media feeds like a rabid animal. NO. Cut it off.
This is not the guy's fault. Please do not blame him.
14. The guy with the super avant-garde major. Like “death” or “comedy” or “basket weaving.”
Basket-weaving! What up late-80s, early-90s sitcom humor. I didn't know that was in again. Also, you just told women not to date the boring guy. Now you are telling them not to date the interesting one.
13. The dude who wears a fedora/porkpie hat. Is he the ghost of an old-timey ‘20s guy with a twirly mustache? No? Unacceptable. Related: The guy who wears vests without the rest of the suit, unless he is literally Usher.
Women. Women. Women brought in this whole slim-fit retro, good-fashion phase. Do not fucking blame us for accomodating your desires.
12. The flirty male friend with a girlfriend. Always moaning about your girlfriend’s flaws over beer and then casually mentioning that my tits look great today? Get off my lawn.
But what if he is slyly propositioning you for that threesome you've always want to try but were afraid to ask about?
11. The guy with no ambition except to be the most fucked-up dude at the party. Butt-chugging the most Jose Cuervo at 5 PM on a Tuesday night is not a stable long-term life goal.
I was this guy and turned my drinking escapdes into a full-time career. But fuck me.
10. Anyone with a meaningless tattoo. If it's just random letters of a foreign language that look cool, there is a good chance that it says “You're a Tool” in said language.
Why does a tattoo have to have meaning? Often times the meaning is in the act and not the art.
9. The guy who brags about that one time he was arrested. Or those two times, or three times. Lets put it this way—are Elliott Stabler and Olivia Benson gonna be knocking on your door anytime soon? If so, avoid.
CHICKS DIG BAD BOYS WE'VE GONE OVER THIS YOU ALL PERPETUATE THIS BEHAVIOR.
8. The guy you have to convince to like you. Any time you feel yourself doing a Michigan J. Frog-style tap dance for a guy's approval means that you should have been out of there five minutes ago.
The guy you like who doesn't like you back ruined your 20s? I always forget that we were living in an episode of the OC.
7. The dude with poor grammar. You don't itch yourself. You scratch yourself.
This is actually a Southern-idiom and not poor grammar. Thanks for hatin'.
6. The guy who's obsessed with Jack Kerouac/Charles Bukowski/William S. Burroughs. We get it. Related: Mansplainers.
Fuck, Jack Keroauc yes, but William Burroughs is only the first post-modern author ever. Fuck people who like the guy who was the forebearer of the culture we live in today. Also, as far as I can tell, Mansplaining is simply a man explaining something. Which women hate. So Bros, NEVER BE HELPFUL AGAIN. YOU ARE REINFORCING GENDER ROLES.
5. The guy who doesn't read, other than that one time he read Fight Club.
I tried but couldn't come up with an argument against these dudes.
4. The guy who talks down to you. You tell him you got a promotion, and he responds, “That's adorable.”
Yes, fuck that dude. But if you need to read Cosmo to know that, this is not his fault.
3. The guy who doesn't know what he wants. This is a frustrating early-twenties male epidemic — and perhaps the most frustrating element is that he's very likely told you that he doesn't know what he wants from the get-go. You just didn't want to hear it. (Not that I am projecting.) GTFO before it's too late, and you are pumicing your foot and watching Frasier with your cat. (Again: Not projecting.)
There is nothing inherently male about malaise in 20-somethings. Do a Google search for wanderlust and see how many Twitter profiles of females crop up. And you would never tell us there was something wrong with them wanting to find themselves. Or that they were bad girlfriends.
2. The guy your best friend has a crush on. This was actually chiseled into a stone wall as part of Hammurabi's code.
Or just talk to your friend like normal peoples.
1. Justin Bobby. Never forget.
Do not date the hairdresser from the Hills. HE WILL RUIN YOUR TWENTIES.
So, what men should women comingle with in their 20s? As far as I can tell, all that's left is super driven-tech geeks who may suffer from Aspergers. Enjoy your twenties, ladies!
(But yea, a lot of these guys really do sound douchey. Just avoid douches. That's all you need to know.)
[Group of guys via Shutterstock]