The Field Guide to Ingesting Uppers
I, on the other hand, am. And I have to go to work in 25 minutes. But who the fuck cares?
Now I don’t just mean cocaine (okay, maybe I do); I’m saying there’s a whole mess of legal and illegal drugs that can add immeasurable fun to what you’re doing.
At work? At a wedding? Maybe a barbeque? There’s no time or place where uppers won’t make life better.
So don’t you want to get in on this awesome time we’re having?
Yes! Yes? What are you waiting for? Why aren’t you doing any right now?
You don’t know how? Well come the fuck on. I’ll show you.
Because here’s my official guide to having fun with uppers.*
*Presented by uppers
Finding them: Since the United States has an extremely skewed value system (what the fuck country?) the majority of uppers are illegal. In most instances you’ll need a “doctor” to “diagnose” your “ADHD” to get Adderall and you’ll need to risk jail time to score decent blow. But guess what? A lot of people out there have already taken those steps. You just need to find them. Know the guy at the office who seems to be a bit too productive? That’s because he has a Ritalin prescription. I swear he’ll love to share. Just ask him to get coffee and tell him you’re an addict or something. Or rifle through his desk when he’s taking a shit. It’s scenarios like that you need to be cognizant of. Your bartender might be moving weight. So the next time you see him sniffling, put a hundred dollar bill on the bar and nod really cool. He’ll get it.
Or you could buy a Red Bull and cigarettes at the store. That’s lame. Don’t do that.
Try Them: The last thing you want to do is put something up your nose for the first time right before you need to function as a coherent adult. Shit, remember the first time you drank coffee? You were like WOOOHOO COFFEE. Now imagine that times like, taking real drugs. So find some free time, where you know you won’t have to see a single person, and see how much you can have before your face runs away to a foster home. I recommend late Saturday afternoon or Thursday morning before work.
Take Them: WOOT! It’s time to take uppers. Depending on what you got, you can snort them, swallow them, inject them or slather them on your arm if you’ve found a type of magical amphetamine cream. (Did you find a magical amphetamine cream? Email me). I suggest this is done in the privacy of a bedroom or hotel room, as much of the general public has serious qualms with drug usage. Antihistamines, yes, they are typically okay with those. But it’ll be hard to convince them what you’re breaking up on the table is antihistamines. It’s usually a spray.
Then wait for them to hit. Or don’t. Head into the party and shotgun a beer. You are about to become the life of it.
Take Them Again: Whoops! Did you accidentally have five shots of Fireball in the past ten minutes? That’s okay because you’re about to experience the second best part of uppers. Taking more. So take some more.
Share Them: This step is optional. If you would like to run out of uppers but want to make the kind of fleeting friendships that only last as long as you have drugs in your pocket, I say you share them with people. But remember, not sharing means more for you!
Take Them Some More: Did you know there’s no limit to how many uppers you can take?* Why yes. Any time you feel sleepy or nauseous or like you are about to die, you can take more uppers. They solve everything. If you just gave everyone in America some amphetamines, we wouldn’t have partisan discourse. We’d all just be like “WOOAH. Fuck China. Why haven’t I eaten in three days?”
*Claim not independently verified by anyone.
Take More: Come on. You can do one more.
Okay You Should Probably Stop: It’s 6am on Sunday. Even the bite guard your orthodontist molded for you isn’t going to protect from this level of jaw-gnawing. Just, try to get some sleep. So what if it’s gonna be shitty. Please, lie down.
Or… take more. Life is the best.