The 2014 All-Name Lacrosse Team Is Here to Remind You White People Are the Worst
Nothing like some lax.
There's no beating around the bush here. We all know it's the whitest sport in a world where hockey, horseback riding and cricket are actual things. It couldn't be any whiter. And every year in December, the guys at Inside Lacrosse delight us with their All-Name team. They scour rosters of every college, plucking names of the most Connecticut-sounding, Williams-Sonoma-shopping, tell-you-where-their-father-works guys. Every year it's a delight. Every year you wonder if the adults Anglos in charge of these kids know there is another world out there, one without trust funds or even a regular cleaning lady (/clutches pearls in horror). Will they ever get it? No, which is okay because we get to laugh about how rich white people will never get it. (Mitt Romney, looking at you).
Call me old-fashioned, but my favorite name on the list DeSales' Hutton Jackson. So strong. So able to introduce himself to someone at Merril Lynch and command instant respect. Hutton Jackson. Hard consonants convey strength.
Of course, we'd be remiss to ignore Draper Donley Jr., a four-year first teamer, who will be graduating now. I bet he has a job offer waiting for him. I bet his father had nothing to do with him getting it. And I hope he births a son, for the world does not deserve to not have Draper Donley III. Sounds like a Yale man. Sounds like a man who would have classy affairs. The kind in nice hotel rooms in his own city.
The first team is below, and you can see the whole list at Inside Lacrosse.
A-Wellington Stanwick, Jr., Johns Hopkins
A-Headley VanMeter, So., Birmingham-Southern
A-Merrill Charette, Jr., Rhodes
A-Hutton Jackson, So., DeSales
M-Pierson Fowler, Sr., St. Lawrence
M-Halston Jet Harding, So., Jacksonville
M-Deemer Class, So., Duke
M-Carlson Milikin, RS-Fr., Virginia
F/O-Nils Hansen, Sr., F&M
D-Larken Kemp, Fr., Brown
D-Draper Donley Jr., Dickinson
D-Sellers Garrett, Fr., Hamilton
D-Prescott Wing, Sr., Centre
G-F. Hambleton Sonnenfeld, So., Dartmouth