JPP Is Here To Remind You Be Careful When Using Fireworks Because I Guess Now He’s The Face Of Fireworks Safety

By 06.30.16

The day JPP blew his right hand to smithereens is the day I stopped liking him cold turkey. Did it have something to do with the fact that I had purchased one of his $100+ jerseys the season before? Partly, but I have this weird curse surrounding me and the players whose jerseys I buy (I bought a Jeremy Shockey jersey, he got traded. I bought a Chris Bosh jersey, he got holes in his lungs. I bought a JPP jersey, fireworks. I bought a Victor Cruz jersey, ACL). It was more about the fact that I knew he was going to make some semblance of a comeback and also suck fucking eggs.

Yeah, real helpful.

Despite the idiocy of the whole ordeal, something that has really begun to get under my skin about JPP is how quickly everyone has forgotten how much we thought he was a clown just about a year ago. The dude was the butt of pretty much every joke ever, and now we have let him back into our lives as if nothing has changed. When did society turn into the cast of Mean Girls? Like this video that JPP stars in, reminding people to be safe when using fireworks this weekend.

Suck my hog, Pierre-Paul. You want to know the best way to not get injured when using fireworks? Don’t light an explosive when it’s still in your hand. This is easy for people like JPP, who can just hire a groupie to light fireworks for them instead of lighting them while still holding it. Even for us regular folk, it’s pretty easy. You just set them up on the ground and light them before moving back a safe distance. Is this rocket science? According to JPP it is. So let’s all be safe out there, bros. Otherwise, your hands will end up looking like dinosaur feet aka JPP’s right hand.


Shooting Fireworks out of Butt Fail
TAGSJason Pierre-PaulNFLSports

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