Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
— Taylor Momsen (@taylormomsen) June 24, 2013
When you say you’re leaking something, you’re not leaking something.
If I want to seem upset all I have to do is think about Dylan fucking Kelly when Brenda was in Paris and I'm 100% there.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 24, 2013
That fucking Dylan. What a jerk.
Immortality is about 25 years away. nanobots
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) June 24, 2013
If you make it to 2050 you will never die and will be able to set your perma-age
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) June 24, 2013
Thank you, Professor Canseco.
You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 25, 2013
I wondered why my neighbors looked at me funny.
Someone just passed Aaron Hernandez house yelling "Tebow!"
— Michele Steele (@ESPNMichele) June 25, 2013
Of course they did.
Girl Scouts of America struggling to close $347m pension deficit. That's what happens when all your best cookie saleswomen retire at age 11.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 25, 2013
They really need to work on their retention plan.
The Supreme Court's ruling is lame. They should've done something cool, like make it illegal for people who drive PT Cruisers to vote.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 25, 2013
That would show some true interest in helping America.
I get so damn flustered at the drive-through window, as if once the goods are handed over I have to peel out quick before the cops get me.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) June 25, 2013
Once upon a time I didn't own a single Samurai Sword. I now possess three…
— Rashard Mendenhall (@R_Mendenhall) June 25, 2013
nancy grace's lighting on CNN is as soft as a 95 year old's pee hole
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 26, 2013
How does she know how soft that is?
"We invented a time machine! It's called lying." – Texas Senate
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 26, 2013
Politicians are so smart.
I'd like to legislate your balls & penis & give u a mandatory anal probe.
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) June 26, 2013
I hope she isn’t talking to me.
Twitter/Ustream/social media is breaking news on #SB5 exponentially faster than any tv news source… pretty nuts.
— Brooklyn Decker (@BrooklynDecker) June 26, 2013
That’s because TV news blows.
OJ Simpson just texted me and said Aaron Hernandez did it.
— Gregory Shane Helms (@ShaneHelmsCom) June 26, 2013
Case closed then.
"Mr. Hernandez, you're under arrest." "Can I have a second to pull my arms into my t-shirt so you can't see I'm hand-cuffed?" "Of course."
— Seth Meyers (@sethmeyers) June 26, 2013
I bet if Aaron Hernandez could change things, he'd go back and win a Heisman Trophy because then he could murder anyone he wants.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 26, 2013
Best OJ – Hernandez joke of the week.
Any straight person complaining about the Supreme Court striking down DOMA should be forced to hire a heterosexual wedding planner.
— Joan Rivers (@Joan_Rivers) June 26, 2013
That’d just be cruel and unusual.
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 26, 2013
Troll so hard.
Lessons already learned this week: 1. Never upset Boston fans. 2. Never diss Bieber. 3. NEVER start a murder trial with a knock-knock joke.
— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) June 27, 2013
Three valuable lessons.
I am happy gay couples can commit themselves to unbearable agony and misery…as I once did! #gaymarriage 🙂
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) June 27, 2013
Took an hour-long shower trying to wash off 3 years of rooting for Aaron Hernandez.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) June 27, 2013
Gonna have to really scrub to get that stink off.
Best Twitter feed ever ever: @ramada
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) June 27, 2013
If there was a 4Square for sitting in front of your laptop trying to remember what you were going to do, I'd be the mayor of that.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) June 27, 2013
Me every day.
I am deleting all of my gun selfies.
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) June 28, 2013
Twitter Is High School For Adults
— Amanda Bynes (@AmandaBynes) June 28, 2013
And in some cases pre-school.