Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
The best sound in the world is when you point something out to the dude you're arguing with and you hear "Oh."
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 11, 2013
It really is.
Blockbuster announced they’re closing all their stores. Now where am I supposed to go when I want to be alone?
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 11, 2013
The post office?
I'm getting so tired of seeing devastation, anguish and bloody massacres on television, I might have to quit watching the Dallas Cowboys.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) November 11, 2013
Sorry, Cowboys fans.
Pretty sure everybody is wrong about everything.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 11, 2013
Pretty sure he’s right.
Nobody really gives a fuck about your problems except Minions… pic.twitter.com/YJRjkCjAyh
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) November 11, 2013
Minions always have your back.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) November 11, 2013
That’s what they sacrificed for I believe.
Honoring all who have served. Happy Veterans Day. pic.twitter.com/LFP8SdBtPi
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) November 11, 2013
serious question.. does anyone actually ever use i phone head phones? like a razor blade for the ear hole… piece of shite.
— Kitty Lea (@misskittylea) November 11, 2013
Kitty Lea: not a fan of Apple earbuds.
'Tis the season for Facebook updates from people in Massachusetts once again surprised that it's cold & snowing in the winter.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) November 12, 2013
It always catches them off guard.
Gave up on hip hop when rappers stopped stating their names & telling us what they were there to say right off the bat. So convenient!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 12, 2013
Yeah, now we have no idea.
Celibacy heightens ALL your senses…
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) November 12, 2013
Not sure how to take that, but I suppose that’s good.
CNN website says looking at computer screens can harm your eyes. Don't read this.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) November 12, 2013
Their Web site, on the computer, said that.
Not only is today 11/12/13, but this November is the first month in over 400 years to contain SIX Saturdays.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 12, 2013
I've decided "favoriting" tweets is the ultimate twitter copout. If i'm your "favorite"….retweet or reply. That's all.
— Jeff Rossen (@jeffrossen) November 12, 2013
He has a point.
Justin Bieber has the Tic Tac Balls
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) November 12, 2013
Don’t ask how he knows, he just knows.
This holiday season it's important to remember that the mall Santa Claus has a human dick.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 12, 2013
That is important to remember.
Having a hard time rooting against this Duke team. Too likable. Bieber needs to attend Duke games while wearing a Ferry throwback jersey.
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) November 13, 2013
That would simply be too much.
Dear college football: This is what happens when the best teams play each other in non-conference games. Everyone wins. Sincerely, Fans.
— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) November 13, 2013
Hey y'all! Guess who just finished all their Christmas shopping?!?!? (Not me. I just wanna find out who to make fun of)
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 13, 2013
That’s right, call them out.
i'm not calling it porn anymore… adult production, mature movie, over 18 love-a-thon, graphic depiction of sexuality, art for elders
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) November 13, 2013
I’m down with this plan.
Jesus help me, I have succumbed to the Candy Crush.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 13, 2013
Jesus can’t help you now.
The only two jobs where you can admit to smoking crack and buying illegal drugs without getting fired are movie star and Toronto mayor.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 13, 2013
What about Mayor of DC?
1 reason I'm not as successful as maybe I could be is I just spent the time to view 126 animal photo bomb pics online n feel fine about it.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) November 13, 2013
That’s the old American work ethic!
Attention potential gentlemen callers: I have man hands. Plan accordingly.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) November 14, 2013
She just opened up a whole new demographic of stalkers.
7% of people in any given poll do not understand the question #thatmightbelow
— Michele Steele (@ESPNMichele) November 14, 2013
Hashtag of the week.
god dammit Florida is swallowing people again
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 14, 2013
Florida has issues.
I don't crush on females……BUT Lily Aldridge makes me feel all funny inside
— Jourdan Dunn (@missjourdandunn) November 14, 2013
Does Lily know this? And would you like us to tell her?
“Getting health insurance will never be like buying a song on iTunes, but it can be like using Limewire via dial-up in 2002.” – Obama
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 14, 2013
"Part of the problem has been technology, Part of the problem is the way American insurance shoppers f*cked up our website."
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) November 14, 2013
That’s what Obama really meant to say.
I think the trick to growing old is becoming "avuncular" instead of "crotchety."
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) November 14, 2013
Okay, now tell us what “avuncular” means.
Maybe if schools weren't covered in white cinder blocks walls & fluorescent lit like a fucking Wal-Mart, kids would be more excited to go.
— Bree Olson (@BreeOlson) November 14, 2013
She has a point.
What Rob Ford actually said to a female staffer is "I want to eat your poutine."
— Mo Rocca (@MoRocca) November 14, 2013
That’s so much better.
I call herpes "herps" because it's cuter/more hip
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 14, 2013
That is cuter/hipper.
Loving the ocean today… pic.twitter.com/48wrX30Wa1
— Gemma Atkinson (@MissGAtkinson) November 14, 2013
And the ocean is definitely loving you.
When I have sexual relations with a girl, I always turn off the dome light.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) November 15, 2013
I place kindness at number 1 on my list of human virtues. Number 2 on that list is a fat ass
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) November 15, 2013
Seems about right.
Look, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) November 14, 2013
Have a great weekend, everybody!