I’m talking, of course, about rush week.
As the semesters go by, you start to become accustomed to the familiar personalities and traits of the same guys who rush each year. Here are the five most stereotypical types of dudes that you’ll see this semester:
5. The Kid Who’s Only There for the Food
Every semester a group of guys show up and ask for a house tour with zero intention of pledging. Their main agenda is to snag the free meal that’s waiting outside for them afterwards, only to bail minutes later and never be seen again. I’ll admit that these assholes are really clever. A single day’s work can get you 10+ free meals if you’re persistent, and the food is usually pretty delicious (In-and-Out Burger if you’re on the West Coast).
That being said, these “rushees” deserve to be fucked with as much as possible. If you can catch on to their act while giving them a house tour, be sure to show them the room where the most messed-up shit supposedly takes place during pledging. I.e.: “This is where my pledge class had to kill and eat that hooker we found down the street. But that’s another story.” Then casually move on. And rub your nutsack on their food on the way out.
4. The Kid Who Thinks He’s Already In
Another stereotype at rush is the overconfident, cocky freshman that clearly peaked in high school. He's usually named something stupid like “Henry.” This kid walks up to you like he’s known you for years—like he’s practically ready to bring over his Game of Thrones Season 1 BluRay and ask to watch it with you that very night. He brags about his high school debauchery and how bro he already is. He carries around the same shit-eating grin on his stupid smug face everywhere he goes.
You’re going to haze the everlasting shit out of this kid, and it’ll be for the best.
3. The Really Rich Foreign Kid
His parents own a country or two. You think he may be Persian, but you're not sure. He was on a pretty sick episode of My Super Sweet 16. You can’t help but stare at his eyes. All you see are dollar signs.
The really rich foreign kid who shows up to rush will always be near the top of your prospect list. You won’t be able to haze him that often because he’ll rarely show up to pledge meetings, but you won’t cut him because he keeps buying the house luxurious gifts (cups, ping pong balls, yachts, etc.). Sure he may overdress for every occasion, ever, but that’s because he’s better than you. And he knows it. Anyone with a personal driver is better than you.
2. The Legacy
This guy’s been ignored by every frat he’s visited so far, and now he’s trying to rush yours by claiming his father’s legacy from the 70s—when your entire house was full of kids that looked like him. This goober is beneficial for only one reason: he’s gonna make a fantastic pledge, and if the rules say that you have to take him, remember to take full advantage of that fact.
Don't forget to give him a shitty nickname like Pinto or Flounder. Get ready for your house to be cleaner than ever!
1. The Kid Who’s Not A Kid
With every semester’s rush comes a guy that seems normal at first glance, but after a few minutes of talking to him something seems a bit… off. You ignore that suspicion and continue to shamelessly man-flirt your way into giving him a bid, until it's brought to your attention that he’s paying child support from an earlier marriage that ended in the late 90's. You could have sworn the dude was your age, just like you could’ve sworn that one girl in Cabo was 18. But you were really, really wrong.
Nothing’s fratty about the guy that should have graduated years ago, unless his name’s Blue and he fought in a World War. Just try not to make this mistake more than once, because that chick from Mean Girls won’t be there to inform you that he, in fact, doesn’t even go here.