Colorado State Student Allegedly Took Molly, Immediately Has A Seizure, Steals An Ambulance And Jerks Off In A Police Station

I get really annoyed with news stories that imply taking certain drugs made people go bonkers, like this story out of Fort Collins, Colorado, about Colorado State Student Stefan Sortland who allegedly took molly and snorted some coke before going to a Halloween concert…and then went and wrecked shit around town.

Molly doesn’t make you a raging asshole, and while cocaine could maybe have that affect it won’t last more than ~20 minutes. Chances are that Stefan is just a weird little fucker who wanted to go and fuck shit up for a night…or maybe he has mental problems.

Either one is a solid reason.

Police said emergency crews with Poudre Valley Hospital were treating an intoxicated student for seizures on campus in Fort Collins early Sunday morning, and when they came outside with the patient, their ambulance was gone.

The ambulance, which had a GPS system on board, was tracked to Loveland. Loveland police officers said they found the ambulance in the middle of Highway 34 with several doors open, heavy front-end damage and fluid leaking.

One officer said it appeared the driver of the ambulance had hit the raised median, jumped the curb, hit a sign, went the wrong way and crossed back over the median before stopping.

Via ABC 7

Stefan was allegedly found standing ~30 yards from the ambulance wearing an EMT vest doing whatever the fuck he wanted. If a dude who just jacked an ambulance and wrecked the hell out of it wants to stand around in the dark then he sure as shit is gonna stand around in the dark. Officers didn’t see it my way for some reason, and wound up shooting him with a stun gun when he got all “What-eva, I’mma do what I want” when they allegedly asked him to stop being such a fuckhead.

Oh, and Stefan allegedly had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him. If that’s not blatant example of product placement for Wheat Thins then I don’t know what is.

Stefan was reportedly taken to the Loveland Police Department, and when he realized that there weren’t any more ambulances around to fuck with, he allegedly went and decided to just fuck with himself.

There he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated,” according to the police report.

Police said during his interview with officers, Sortland made a reference that his “friends/roommates were dead, in heaven, and had committed suicide.”

Via ABC 7

Police checked with Stefan’s roommates. Spoiler alert: neither were dead.

Stefan reportedly had a change of heart and apologized to the officers for all the ruckus he’d caused, but then decided “Oh wait jk I was lying” and proceeded to attack two deputies who were bringing him lunch.

Sortland is accused of punching one deputy in the face causing a concussion and facial swelling, officials said.

A second deputy suffered an abrasion and finger sprain during attempts to gain control of Sortland, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

Via ABC 7

According to Stefan’s father via ABC 7, his son has no mental health issues and wasn’t taking any medications. One thing’s for sure, he’s about to have one hell of a rap sheet following him around for the rest of his life:

Sortland is facing charges of aggravated vehicle theft, obstructing EMS, reckless driving, hit-and-run, criminal mischief, attempted motor vehicle theft, unlawful possession of a controlled substance and criminal charges of assault for the jail incident.

Via ABC 7

[H/T reader email and ABC 7, image via CBS Denver]