Middlebury College Just Banned Red Bull Sales From Campus Because They Think They Make Students Horny


You know that immediate sensation you feel in your meat popsicle directly after you take a long draw from a Red Bull? The urge to stick your penis in something warm is almost uncontrollable, and frankly I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it. Well, one small Vermont college is FINALLY making a stand against this liquid Viagra, banning sales of Red Bull and 5 Hour Energy from campus.

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According to NBC News,

College officials blame the drinks for contributing to “problematic behavior,” such as alcohol abuse and “high-risk sexual activity,” and say they don’t contribute to the dining service’s mission to “nourish” its students.

A prominent flyer in the college’s Wilson Cafe states: “Energy drink consumption facilitates unhealthy work habits such as prolonged periods of sleeplessness, contributing to a campus culture of stress and unsustainable study habits.”

The ban was approved by the college’s Community Council, which includes faculty, staff and 12 students.

Yo Middlebury Powers That Be, huddle up. Listen, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job, you seem completely incapable of doing that all on your own. What I am saying is that your big crusade is a futile effort–if it ain’t the sexual powers of Red Bull students are getting aroused by, it will be literally anything else. It’s fucking college. It’s basically one giant orgy with books. If you’re going to ban energy drinks, you probably shouldn’t be providing Aunt Jemima maple syrup in the cafeteria. I’m tempted to give myself a tug every time I have pancakes. Look at her and those “fuck me” eyes. God damnit, Jemima–you had me at “no artificial coloring or preservatives.”

[h/t NBC News]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.