Dartmouth’s Student Newspaper Forced To Issue The Greatest Correction Ever—Involves Ejaculating Dildos

On October 17th ‘The Dartmouth,’ America’s oldest college newspaper, released a controversial op-ed calling for the abolition of Dartmouth’s Greek system. They’ve since had to issue perhaps the greatest correction ever issued by any newspaper in the history of print.

In the now infamous op-ed, they called for the abolition of Dartmouth’s often tumultuous Greek system on the basis that it is detrimental to the institution. They claimed negative contributing factors such as reports of swimming through vomit and semen pools have led to an “Ivy-League-Gone-Wild” image that can only be repaired by doing away with the Greek system entirely…And then they had to issue the correction.

But not just any correction, the GREATEST CORRECTION IN THE HISTORY OF NEWSPAPER CORRECTIONS. A correction so incredible that I suddenly found myself wondering why in the hell is my life so fruitless that I’ve never been able to say something like this in print:

From The Dartmouth:

This editorial has been revised to reflect the following correction:

Correction appended (Oct. 24, 2014):

A front-page editorial published Oct. 17 calling for the abolition of the Greek system at Dartmouth stated that in the late 1980s, Alpha Delta fraternity pledges were forced to perform oral sex on an ejaculating dildo. The editorial should have stated that some pledges were required to simulate oral sex on an inanimate object, which the house’s advisor now says may have been a banana.

The editorial should not have included a reference to “Beta-vision,” a rumored system in which members of then-Beta Theta Pi fraternity purportedly watched sexual acts within the house. When Beta was derecognized, rumors of this system circulated, but its existence has never been confirmed. The Dartmouth regrets the errors.

….still DYING over here


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