Bartender Of 16 Years Reveals The 2 Moves You’re Making At The Bar That Make You ‘Look Terrible Socially.’ Then He Shows How To Correct It

There’a nothing quite like having the attention of everyone in the room. It’s a kind of power. It’s also the kind of thing that can sometimes drive other colleagues or friends to step in and grab the spotlight. Often this comes in the form of over-talking.

You’re trying to regale the room with very, very important (or funny) information about ancient Rome, and an impatient contender tries to slide in with a story about her recent banking debacle. Infuriating? Yes. Impossible to fight back against? “No,” says one former bartender-turned-social-skills-coach.

‘Weak Position, Socially’

As part of a weekly TikTok series, Bakari (@barpsychologybakari), who refers to himself as a “social skills coach,” shares two things that everyone does socially that make them look weak. While it is arguably less important with friends, in professional situations, there can be real repercussions (like a lost sale).

“In 16 years of bartending, I’v seen plenty of people getting interrupted and talked over,” he starts.

“Getting talked over or interrupted in public or around a group of people is always a little embarrassing and infuriating,” he states. Most people don’t deal with it well, doing one of two things.

“They either go quiet, which tells the room that your voice is optional. [Or] they fight for volume, which makes you look ridiculous. You get rattled, and they come off as the more dominant person, especially if they peel back first and say something like, ‘Calm down; it’s not that serious,” he points out.

“Now you look ridiculous,” he says.

Then he continues, “Either of those two things you lose. You look coming from a very weak position, socially.”

‘Take The Time’

However, there is a move that leaves you looking calm, cool, and in control. Bakari says he learned it through his years of bartending. The trick is to let them keep talking. Let them finish. Do not try to fight your way back into the conversation. But once they finish their point, “Calmly say, ‘I’m gonna finish my point, and then I want to hear yours. As if they haven’t even said it,'” he coaches.

But the absolute key to making this work is staying calm and collected. “Make sure you say this slower. Make sure you finish your point slower than you were talking before. Take the time. Take up the space,” he says.

This works, he claims, because when people get rattled, their nervous system gets triggered. The amygdala, your “primal guard dog” as Bakari calls it, gets triggered. From there, “Things tend to speed up,” he says. Your heart rate, breathing, and movement all speed up her asserts, and “you start talking fast.” According to Barkari, this signals that you’re afraid to lose the floor, afraid of losing the room. Slowing down shows that you’re unbothered—that having the floor was “never really in question.”

It’s a subtle social trick that probably needs some practice. But it does seem better than trying to shout over an already loud person. The video has been viewed over 12,000 times.

Cold Blooded Comments

People in the comments seem skeptical, with many keeping in mind the one person they know that just seems to go on and on, seemingly loving the sound of their own voice.

“Ok what if the person is a talker and and talks and talks for like 5,10+ min after cutting u off, then what do you do?” asked one viewer.

Bakari replies, “Say something to remind them that they’ve lost control of their mouth… ‘you really like the sound of your own voice’… something like that.”

But @envymetoo uses another tactic: “Nope, I’m cutting them off because by the time they finish making their point I’ve forgotten mine.”

Another agreed with Bakari, writing, “Yes! I learned over time to confidently say something similar after being cut off – Ok, if you let me finish…. Same idea, I’m claiming my space and position. I agree, it ultimately shows a secure thought. You’re spot on.”

Why Do People Interrupt?

But the question remains, why do people interrupt one another? It is a surefire conversation-killer. But, it’s not always out of malice or a need for attention, says a writer for Psychology Today. “A range of factors, including personality type, upbringing, home environment, gender, and culture, can influence how people converse with others,” they report.

Additionally, neurodivergent people, like those on the autism spectrum or those with ADHD, can have difficulty reading social cues. But that same article notes that “a good conversation flows in different directions and different voices are not interrupting as much as keeping the dynamic and energy of the conversation high.” So to a certain extent, it’s situational.

Interruption is so pervasive that even Harvard Business School offers a “sneak attack” solution. “While your monologuer is talking, say over them ‘Jim (or whatever their name is), can I ask you something?'” Then, “instead of asking a question, just flat out make your point.”

Then you’re back to talking about Rome, leaving banking problems far behind.

BroBible reached out via TikTok direct message and with a comment on Bakari’s post. We will update this article if he gets back to us.