Here Are Some Reasonable Birthday Gifts To Expect From Your Furloughed Boyfriend


Just because the world has ground to a halt doesn’t mean that birthdays are taking the year off. What’s more, just because you were told not to come to work anymore because the company has tried everything—an unsuccessful pivot from manufacturing 3D-printed dog collars to selling customized weapons of mass destruction to sovereign governments, cancelling bagel Friday, etc.—doesn’t mean she’s going to let you off the hook for her birthday. Fortunately, here are some great options for any financially unstable young man. Happy hunting!

A book on how to desalinate water using common household items

The title says it all. You never know when the lady in your life might get thirsty and find the Brita empty, the tap spewing brown sludge that will weaken her nail roots, and no bottled water for hundreds of miles. Fortunately, if you live near an ocean and can read books, this bad boy will give you everything you need to not have to drink your own piss. At least for a while.

Used Shotgun, $150

It’s $150, and it looks like it belongs above your fireplace as a nod to great-granddad’s heroics at Antietam. But furloughed losers can’t be choosers. $150 for a shotgun is a steal. Besides, in all likelihood, this is just a deterrent. Bad guy comes into your house looking to steal your tuna supply? chhk-chhk says the shotgun, bye bye says the bad guy.



Tetanus Syringes

The stock photo here shows a doctor preparing to administer a tetanus shot. But don’t worry about doctors, they’re too expensive. You’re a self-starter, you budding little Martin Shkreli. Tetanus shots are the perfect gift that says “I love you, especially when you’re able to open your mouth.” Because lockjaw happens when you least expect it.



Fresh raccoon au jus, anyone? For all the nutritional benefits of roadkill without the taste of the tire, animal traps are a tremendous birthday present. This one is sold as a “humane catch and release” trap. But a simple modification will turn it into inhumane murder tupperware real quick. Simply wait until the trap has an animal inside, and then instead of releasing it, you drop the trap into your above-ground pool until the bubbles stop. The chlorine should take care of any unwanted ticks, even though they add a nice seasonal crunch. Ah, fall is here!


PS- if you HAVE the budget for multiple gifts, the shotgun and the trap pair well together. Helps prevent the pool filter from clogging with animal fur.