Cam Newton Announces He’s Done Spending Millions On Clothes He’s Only Worn Once

There may no athlete on the planet I have less in common with than Cam Newton.

He’s a freakish professional athlete, I smoke cigarettes at halftime of my men’s league games.

He is a vegan, I get violent in the absence of meat.

He is a Christian, I go to church for the wine.

He wakes up at 4:20 am every single morning, I haven’t met an alarm I haven’t snoozed.

He spends hundreds of thousands on clothes he only wears once, if it ain’t free it ain’t for me.

If I showed up to work like this, HR would try to institutionalize me.

Cam and I may finally find something in common as the 31-year-old quarterback claims he is tampering down his lavish retail eccentricities in favor of dumpster diving like the rest of us, as shopping is a “stress diffuser” for him.

“One of my New Years resolutions is to not buy high fashion. I want to be more of a thrift-store shopper,” Newton said in his vlog. “I want to be more of a vintage shopper. I want to be more of a person that finds gems in stores that are less expensive, and to still be able to give it its fine look, but I’m still myself.

“I’ve spent thousands and thousands of dollars, maybe even millions of dollars on clothes that I only wore once, so to be able to recycle the closest, so to speak, is something that’s challenging. But at the same time, it’s going to be fun to do so throughout this whole year.”

Newton’s announcement comes four months after Jeff Garcia blasted him for dressing to the nines after playing like doo doo.

This may mean that the man who crafts a custom hat for Newton every single week may have to update his resume.

I hope Cam doesn’t start dressing like Peyton Manning because some of his outfits belong in the Louve.

“Swag isn’t on you. Swag is in you.”