iStockphoto / champlifezy
Every now and then something comes along that reminds me of why I love working on the Internet all day, and this Twitter thread about Peloton bike owners is exactly that. I couldn’t stop reading because it only got better and better.
I was actually pretty torn on whether or not to share this amazing Twitter thread from @ClueHeywood because I’ve been getting served Peloton bike ads nonstop for months now and I don’t know why. I didn’t really want to exacerbate this situation by putting my name on an article with the word ‘Peloton’ in it a hundred times but I ultimately decided this shit’s too funny not to share with you all.
This Twitter user’s bio reads ‘Peloton owner. What more would you need to know?’ but after reading through this thread I have many more questions. For starters, I want to know where I can see this comedian roast Peloton owners in person. I don’t want to ramble on too much though because this thread is amazing and it’s lengthy, with each tweet getting better.
Love putting my Peloton bike in the most striking area of my ultra-modern $3 million house
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I had my carpenter build a $9,000 finished wood riser for my Peloton bike in my glass-enclosed zen garden/home gym pic.twitter.com/VJSOjctYtO
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I put my Peloton bike in the center of the panoramic living room window in my New York penthouse pic.twitter.com/ol0B3Kavif
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
When we visited my parents for Christmas I had to put my Peloton bike right in the living room, they didn’t have a home gym or a conservatory or anything ugh pic.twitter.com/iuPSriUjmO
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
A good place for your Peloton bike is between your kitchen and your living room facing the cactus garden so you always remember virtual spin class pic.twitter.com/PNFMp3kwM1
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I took my Peloton bike to Europe and used it on the balcony of our $2,000/night Airbnb and honestly I felt like I was flying over London, you should try it pic.twitter.com/sVjdO78MRV
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I have a Peloton at home, at work, and also one placed by the ocean-facing living room windows of our four bedroom beach cottage pic.twitter.com/F21Y1f7eop
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Probably the worst thing about putting a Peloton bike in my spotless huge kitchen is when my dumb kid interrupts the workout. Where is Consuela? She has one job! pic.twitter.com/KYL5l1zTst
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Sometimes I’ll move the Peloton bike into our gallery so I can spend time with my half gay husband while he reads Architectural Digest wearing combat boots pic.twitter.com/jdBWowR4z3
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
My bright and airy sunroom is a great place for the Peloton bike. I leave the arcadia door ajar so I feel like I’m actually riding a bicycle…outside! pic.twitter.com/q7k7FVlAcT
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
My Peloton is in the living room because it’s my favorite work of art aside from the turquoise marble peacock I keep in the fireplace. pic.twitter.com/fQyaK7PIjM
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
The picture windows at our chalet provide breathtaking views from the Peloton bike. In the living room set behind it, all you can see is the Peloton bike. pic.twitter.com/JwSPtsao8L
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Sometimes I let the nanny ride my Peloton. But the solarium is my space, so she only can ride in the garage and only when she’s disciplining my children. pic.twitter.com/bJFYuTFBag
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Last year we painstakingly remodeled a midcentury modern house in the hills, including furniture from the period. Then I put my Peloton bike right in the middle of the living room. pic.twitter.com/27aw5gD6ay
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
This is absolutely unacceptable Peloton placement. This appears to be a basement and not a solarium, conservatory, grotto, inglenook, or rumpus room. pic.twitter.com/d5AEv64lnn
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
In the mornings, after my housekeeper meticulously makes my bed, I like to ride my Peloton bike in the window of my high rise and literally look down my nose at people. pic.twitter.com/4tCrIOVVA2
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
You might ask why the windows in front of these Pelotons are so small. Unfortunately space on the yacht is limited and the gym is near the waterline. We manage. pic.twitter.com/Hqa1kVgWDj
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Some people tell me that I should put my living room here because of the amazing view. I have to question their priorities. Who on earth spends more time on their couch than on their Peloton bike? pic.twitter.com/01zKKPRkAa
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
My husband says it’s a fire hazard to have the Peloton bike blocking the doors from the living room to the veranda. He doesn’t understand that the Peloton bike will be the first thing I save. pic.twitter.com/yltVAQsi14
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I put the Peloton bike in the kitchen of our loft so I can get a workout and also cook the vegan three-bean tortilla soup recipe I downloaded from Goop. pic.twitter.com/GMj4YPu50r
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
Ironic that “Peloton” means a group of cyclists when my favorite way to cycle is alone in the guest house living room at our Brentwood mansion. pic.twitter.com/RfQGe58cL7
— Clue Heywood (@ClueHeywood) January 28, 2019
I think the major takeaway here is a Peloton bike isn’t even worth owning unless you’ve got a multi-million dollar house to store it in and a dedicated room with a million-dollar view. You might have a sick pad. There might be a dope jacuzzi out back and a pool with a grotto. But if you don’t have a room set up just for your Peloton then you’re wasting your damn money on the HOTTEST workout craze of 2019.
Meanwhile, I can hate on this all I want but I’ve secretly been debating a Peloton bike for months. I’ve recently lost 25-pounds mostly thanks to an uptick in cardio at CycleBar where I’m burning 800 to 1,000-calories per class and I’ve thought about buying a Peloton to throw in my garage so I can get a similar workout at home. Fortunately, I now realize my garage would be the absolute worst place on the planet to place a Peloton bike and I’d be nothing more than a total dickfor if I did that. So this Twitter thread actually saved me the embarrassment.