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For some unknown reason, a guy, let’s call him Max, because I think that’s his name, decided to take it upon himself to write an incredibly detailed analysis of The Cheesecake Factory.
At The Cheesecake Factory, as anyone who has visited one knows, there are things happening inside this restaurant that really don’t make a whole lot of sense, beginning with the building itself and going all the way to their ridiculous menus.
And yet, most of us just do our usual puzzled look-around when we visit one of them, then forget about it and just eat our semi-delicious meal.
Not Max, however. No sir. Max took the time to break down The Cheesecake Factory to a level of detail so minute, and so spot-on, you may be so shook that your dining experience there will be forever altered.
Are you ready for this? Because it’s pretty incredible. He even included pictures.
Okay, here goes…
If you want a fully immersive "postmodern design hellscape" themed dining experience I highly recommend dinner at The Cheesecake Factory
from a design perspective that place is fuckin wild and I'll talk a little bit about why pic.twitter.com/0RHFDjKsuo
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
The Cheesecake Factory essentially grew out of a Los Angeles bakery business. Then, in 1992, they brought on hospitality designer Rick McCormack and shit went off the rails
We're talking VICTORIAN-EGYPTIAN-ROCOCO OFF THE RAILS
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
I mean check out this exterior
greco-roman cornices, seashells above the pseudo-arched doors, topped with a dome airlifted from fucking st. basil's pic.twitter.com/A7gweGu2Y5
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
The interior is a world of aesthetic chaos that feels like a mix between a Fry's Electronics, an overgrown Panera, and a laser tag arena. It's /sensational/.
Palm trees sit aside 2000's-chic glass lighting fixtures, French limestone floors, mosaics, fresco-like murals… pic.twitter.com/kRgFHQh0zw
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
Pseudo-Egyptian faces top columns with hybrid palm frond/lotus blossom designs and pseudo-heiroglyphics. It's unchecked white exoticism/orientalism run amok w a huge budget. Some elements like the face's "third eye" and the Sauron-like sconces borderline on occult flavor. pic.twitter.com/gXIxT4yfr4
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
TCF blasts you w/ a "luxury dining" aesthetic while cutting some /bizarre/ corners.
They serve you water in tankards, seat you in wicker chairs at marble tabletops.
Then you realize your tankards are plastic, your wicker is plastic, and your table is vinyl-lined particle board. pic.twitter.com/5sxUl4I8Fj
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
Both ostentatiously gaudy and consistently cheap, from the fake plaster walls to the fake wicker chairs, TCF is almost reminiscent of a theme park. The more you stare at this and see elements like the tacky booth cushions and glass dividers slowly emerge, the more surreal it gets pic.twitter.com/9c802tJ0H4
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
The unchecked frenetic design doesn't stop there. Look at the goddamn menu.
Or should I say FOUR MENUS – menu, "skinnylicious", drinks, cheesecakes (not desserts, that's different!)
It is the most intentionally obtuse culinary document I've ever seen. It wants to DISORIENT YOU pic.twitter.com/8kOIzhc2XO
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
-"Quick Bites"
-Appetizers
-Glamburgers
-Specialties
-Pasta
-Sandwiches
-Steaks/Chops/Fish/Seafood
-Pizza
-"Super Foods"
-"Skinnylicious" (???)are all separate sections. there is no rhyme or reason to them. this menu is not your friend. it is actively trying to mislead you.
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
THAT'S RIGHT I SAID GLAMBURGER@tobyfox COME GET YA MANS pic.twitter.com/HGaM8L6RkE
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
mid-menu advertisements for the RESTAURANT YOU HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN TO DINE AT are frequent and deliberately make you lose track of your spot
here's one, w/ an entire page of flavor text
this thing feels like a god damn playbill. all the tcf's a stage, and we are but its players pic.twitter.com/loS7e3AUYe
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
after wandering the menu a while, helplessly, you order and the food arrives. it's good. not bad, not great, but good. better than an applebee's, better than a friday's. i wanted to say i hated it, but in truth, i couldn't. that was probably the most disappointing part of all.
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
And then, at the end of it all, in a cold lonely counter cooler, the cheesecake.
my location placed it near the lobby/exit, far from the dining area. alone.
The namesake dish feels utterly inconsequential by the time you reach it.
Perhaps it meant something once. pic.twitter.com/Sau8s5QQa7
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
To conclude:
There is nothing more quintessentially "American capitalism" in flavor than The Cheesecake Factory
Wealth run wild. Chaotic visual fantasies realized w no aesthetic discipline. An obsession with appearance of luxury. Gross excess that excels at feigning its quality
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
It feels like a relic of another era, one where such a vision was sold to the American public as a utopian concept. It, like the brief period of neoliberalistic prosperity that made it possible, is a fever dream made manifest. Enjoy it while you can.
— 〽️ax krieger is building meter (@MaxKriegerVG) November 17, 2017
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Impressed? You’re not the only one. So were thousands more in Twitter-land.
https://twitter.com/TimFederle/status/931507843504787456
i have never set foot in a cheesecake factory and had no idea what i expected but this thread has made me question my very reality
— aspiring friend to local crows (@LarkBrains) November 17, 2017
The menu is like a very weird book. It's the Ulysses of menus. People say they've read it, but no one's really finished it.
— Kimberly Hudson (@kimberlylhudson) November 17, 2017
https://twitter.com/yawnekxela/status/931411736820879360
https://twitter.com/taciturasa/status/931401994643935232
Whenever I’ve been there I’ve always thought.. are we going to just act like this place doesn’t look fucking insane
— Chuck Anderson (@NoPattern) November 17, 2017
This thread is one of the only acceptable uses so far of the 280 character limit
— Joy of Napping (she/her) (@joyofnapping) November 17, 2017
You've read about the cult, right? https://t.co/piSsaP1HKZ
— Jessica Price (@Delafina777) November 17, 2017
Oh my…
H/T Distractify