The Internet Mocks U.S. Government’s Long-Awaited UFO Report That Says Next To Nothing


  • On Friday evening, the government released a 9-page unclassified report examining 144 reports of unidentified phenenomena between 2004-2021.
  • The government cannot explain 143 of the 144 mysterious flying objects, save for a large, deflating balloon.
  • Read more UFO articles here.

For decades, the American government treated the topic of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena like sports media treats Cooper Manning, unabashedly denying its existence.

That narrative began to change in 2017 when stories published by The New York Times confirmed the existence of the Pentagon’s previously-classified Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program (AATIP), which began in 2007 to investigate unidentified phenomena.

On Friday evening, after a 10 month investigation, the US intelligence community released a 9-page unclassified report to Congress titled “Preliminary Assessment: Unidentified Aerial Phenomena,” examining 144 reports of UAP between 2004 and 2021.

Unfortunately for those still loitering outside Area 51, the government essentially wrote a 9-page paper to say, “bro, no idea.”

As CNN reports, investigators found no evidence that the sightings “represented either extraterrestrial life or a major technological advancement by a foreign adversary like Russia or China (which experts claim is extremely unlikely and would be a ‘monumental failure of intelligence collection on the part of the United States‘), but acknowledge that is a possible explanation.”

“We were able to identify one reported UAP with high confidence. In that case, we identified the object as a large, deflating balloon. The others remain unexplained,” the report says, using the Pentagon’s terminology for UFOs.
“Of the 144 reports we are dealing with here, we have no clear indications that there is any non-terrestrial explanation for them — but we will go wherever the data takes us,” a senior US official said.

Congressional sources who have seen the classified version of the report have already expressed disappointment there’s not more of an explanation to the episodes, saying that the report raises more questions than it answers. [via CNN]

It appears the internet is disappointed as well.

E.T. quit playing coy, let me buy you a Michelob.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.