Justin Bieber Should Be Put On The FBI Watch List For The Way He Eats Burritos

Ricky Vigil/GC Images

A photo of an alien dressed as Justin Bieber eating a burrito is circulating the world wide web for reasons that should threaten national security. This extraterrestrial imposter is doing its best homosapien impression, rocking one of those winter hats with the hair already in it, a disarming pink hoodie, and oval glasses to mask its oblong peepers. Not a bad go at it, E.T., but you made one critical mistake: and that’s eating a burrito like someone who just woke up from a 28-year coma.

Now, you’re guaranteed to see a lot of Beliebers defending their God, maybe a few copy cat offenders, but I advise anyone out there who knows someone who eats a burrito like this to contact their local authorities or NASA branch. If you don’t, you’re complicit in the crime. That also goes for people who eat ice cream cone first and all those Italians who eat salad after their main course and all those me’s who eat the Fun Dip stick first and then rip the sugar like a tequila shot.

God forbid, if humans and everything we’ve built are wiped from the earth tomorrow and thousands of years from now the planet becomes civilized by a whole new species, we cannot run the risk of this photo being the last remaining human artifact. Even the humanoids 3.0 will be like “holy fuck those humans were clinically insane.”

Horizontal burrito eating shall be stopped, if not for you or I, for all of human civilization.

God help us all.




Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.