Culture

North Carolina Republicans Just Chose The Hottest 24-Year-Old Man On Earth To Run For Congress

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“I don’t come here for politics!”

Me neither, buddy. This has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with Madison Cawthorn’s chin. Somebody find me a fresh pair of pants because mine are spackled. Are you absolutely kidding me with that picture? Look at how his quarter-zip flairs open to frame his muscular neck and perfectly symmetrical face. Give me free refills of those lips all night. Let me toast some ‘smores over the smoldering coals of Madison Cawthorn’s glowing skin until my tummy hurts. Is he looking at me? Does he know me? I think I’m having a heart attack.

https://twitter.com/JRMcGrail/status/1275762299563900929

If you saw this guy and didn’t assume he was the next Bachelor, you’re lying to yourself. Sounds like he’s going to win the seat, which—at 24—would make him one of the youngest reps ever. I did a little digging and the actual youngest representative in history was a guy named William Charles Cole Claiborne from Tennessee. This dude:

Now, depending on the painting, he kinda ranges from like a 4 to an 7. Very difficult to get a read on WCCC. That’s a pretty sultry rendering there. Solid nose, tremendous eyebrows, and a haircut that says “let’s go hunt some fucking foxes.” And yet I’ve seen some other depictions that’ll wilt your boner quicker than a January polar plunge:

Uh, pass. Hard pass. How much do you regret last night if you wake up next to old pube-head here? That’s the morning where you re-work your resumé and fix your relationship with your mom because life is too short to keep making these mistakes. Maybe Willie Claiborne was the wakeup call you needed. Certainly not the one you wanted though.

In any case, here’s to Madison Cawthorn and his delicious jawline.