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Hey, internet stranger. Do you hear that? Complete silence. Close your eyes and embrace it. Taste it on your tongue. Because in mere hours, your eardrums will be juggling your uncle’s pyramid scheme pitch and your high school cousin trying to recruit you to the garage to smoke a new strain of weed called Panic Attack, all over the voice nasally voice of Cris Colinsworth projecting from your television.
Thanksgiving, a controlled chaos that is as reckless as it is nurturing. There’s fulfillment in the suffering. Beauty in the breakdown.
Can’t see it?
Have you tried alcohol?
Being hammered for Thanksgiving is as essential as being decked out in Axe Body Spray for prom. If you don’t drink during Thanksgiving, how the hell are you going to forget all the stupid shit that was said? Riddle me that, Einstein.
If you’re not totally comfortable getting blasted in front of your relatives or you’re just too hungover from the night before when you went to your old high school hangout with your letterman jacket on trying to spit game to the mother of three behind the bar, allow me to present to you a drinking game that should ease you into intoxication.
Ladies and Gents: The Official Thanksgiving 2018 Drinking Guide
Reminder: Hold you and your loved ones accountable for adhering to the rules of the game. If not, you’re only cheating yourself.
ONE DRINK
-Any time a relative over the age of 50 tries to show you something on their phone but can’t fucking figure it out.
-Any time a female implores that you change the television channel from football. (“Let’s watch something we can all watch!” “Let’s not.”)
-Any time someone uses the phrase “Kid’s Table.”
-Any time someone calls you by your full name (Matthew, Michael, Patrick…).
-Any time someone talks with food in their mouth. (x2 if they accidentally spit food out)
-Any time the NFL broadcast shows something Thanksgiving-related (turkey, Food Bank footage, etc.)
TWO DRINKS
-Any time someone falls asleep post-dinner. *(x2 if they are audibly snoring)*
-Any time you see a skid mark in the toilet (Two (2) drinks for every one (1) skidmark)
-Any time a relative refers to how crazy your particular family is (“We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional!”)
-Any time someone suggests playing Cards Against Humanity
-Any time someone asks you if you’ve seen the play Hamilton.
THREE DRINKS
-Any time someone falls asleep pre-dinner. (x2 if they are audibly snoring)*
-Any time someone unbuckles their belt after gorging
-For every piece of Tupperware a guest brings for leftovers.
-Any time a relative gives a broad, ignorant solution to a complex political problem.
-Any time a Neil Young song comes on.
SHOTGUN A BEER
-For every vegetarian in attendance.
*******
There you have it, my friends. Follow this guide and I promise you’ll be too drunk to taste your aunt’s putrid gluten-free cranberry sauce.
Have a great turkey day, bros. Bottoms up.