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“Coronavirus replication requires ribosome frameshifting during genome translation to accomplish a complex program of gene expression,” confidently declared Brock, whose last message to Bouncy Boobies group text was a photo of a naked African-American man with a penis fit for the bed of a Ford F-150.
Brad had to retake Geology senior year, but in just one week of quarantine, the out-of-work Hooters bartender took one online course taught by Tai Lopez in his garage and now he’s a PhD in Infectious Disease and making $5k a week leveraging his 67 Instagram followers.
“Current antibody projections indicate that the deadly pathogen could expire up to 240,000 Americans,” Travis added, a sage statement from a guy who owns a velcro wallet and once ate a cigarette butt for an Adderall.
“A month ago, a cough was just a cough. Now, in the anxious era of coronavirus, a cough can be a crime,” chimed in Samantha, whose contributions to date have consisted of copy-and-pasting the first line in every New York Times article because she refuses to pay for the subscription.
“The Chinese are lying about the origination of the virus from the horseshoe bat, a species whose closest colony to Wuhan is 900 kilometers,” Gus added, fresh off watching an enlightening 30-second Twitter clip of Tucker Carlson posted by a guy whose avatar is a semi-automatic weapon on an unmade bed.
“While speculation is a natural tendency, if I’ve learned anything from my 16-hour shifts caring for COVID-19 patients in makeshift hospitals, it’s that this disease is as humbling as it is dangerous,” said Dr. Jonah, the only doctor in the chat with a medical license.
[One hour of inactivity later]
Brock: “Anyone watch Tiger King? Carole definitely put that dude through a meat grinder! Crazy bitch!”