Summer House Scholarly: Ep. 5- Carl’s Commitment Issues Know No Bounds

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Previously on Summer House

-Hannah is struggling to decide between Armand and Luke. She agrees to go on a date with Luke. Whoa.

-Amanda and Kyle don’t bone. Their sex life is dryer than an archeological dig. Still no progress on wedding planning. Ouch.

-Carl and Lindsay are dodging their own bullets. They’re still kissing. Powder keg.

-Paige misses Perry and plans to take a weekend off. We’ll miss her. Gorg.

-Jules is still on the show. Impossible.

You know what I love about this show, besides everything? We pick up new episodes right from the moment that the last episode ended. Every episode ends with a cliffhanger that has me screaming what?! NO! And every ensuing episode starts and I feel relieved. We’re right back in the thick of Kyle and Amanda’s date to start this episode. The rain continues to pour as Amanda confesses to having anxiety that cripples her. Kyle says he wants to help, and the conversation is actually impressive. The food arrives, and we remember that Kyle ordered a healthy fish dish while Amanda is having cacio pepe. Not to food shame but for those of you trying to balance out anxiety issues, I would advise against empty carbs. Kyle’s balanced plate of lean protein and vegetables is the perfect fuel for a productive lifestyle, whereas butter and processed wheat will have you crashing like a bowl of frosted flakes. Food for thought (literally!)

Back to the Hamptons! Luke takes the train because hockey players want everyone to know how normal they are. Lindsay drives Carl and Jules, who says “this week flew by literally so fast,” which—in trademark fashion—makes no sense. When you put the literally in there, it means the week somehow took flight. Instead of us taking it as a figure of speech, which it is, Jules ruins the sentence. I’m at the end of my rope with her.

Then Jules tells us she doesn’t even have time to go on dates. Lady… you have time. We all know you have time. Your life isn’t real. Am I missing something? And then Carl coyly says he talked to Jordan, and we’re left to wonder just as the camera flashes over to… Hannah! And she’s in a car with this very Jordan fellow, who was a cast member last year. Now, I don’t know shit about Jordan, so forgive me. I’m looking forward to getting to know him.

Lucky me, Hannah breaks him down for us. Jordan claims to have slept with Jules, but Hannah says he lies a lot. We then see a montage of these supposed lies, all about relations with women, including a hooker. Sorry Jordan, I have my doubts. From knowing you these past 12 seconds, I just don’t think you have the damaged past needed to sit on the face of a prostitute. But then Jules confirms it! So Jordan is back in the world of truth. Then it turns into a discussion of who ghosted whom, and hoo boy… this is confusing. Something tells me these two are going to lay the lumber again.

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The cars arrive at the house. On the porch, a bevy of packages awaits the gang, and it’s not the first time we’ve seen this. Either the cast is having shit delivered to the summer house, or people and brands are sending free stuff to them. As the group prepares for a Miami Vice-themed party that night, we realize the packages might contain props and decorations for the party. Thank God we cleared up that package mystery. WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! -Brad Pitt, Se7en.

Nobody loves mullet wigs more than Kyle, who walks outside with Carl to debrief on the Lindsay-Carl impending disaster. Carl tells Kyle he doesn’t want to be with Lindsay anymore, but he can’t figure out how to get out of it. In a complicated psychological moment that is totally out of character for the show, Kyle tells us that Carl is drinking to cope with Lindsay, which brings him down, only to have her bring him up. The fuse has been lit as we go to commercial. The only question is, will anyone die when the bomb goes off?

Back in the kitchen, Jordan catches up with the guys. I’m starting to piece him together from flashbacks to previous seasons. Apparently he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which is a common affliction but rare truth to share on a TV show. Carl asks, “how is your dick? Is it doing alright?” as though he’s asking Jordan about his dad after a hip replacement. Jordan deflects a bit as we cut over to Jules, holding court with Hannah, asking her if Jordan likes her or hates her. Behind them are stacked enough cases of Loverboy to supply civilization in the event of a plague for two lifetimes. It looks like Kyle moved the business here. I guess they’re for the party but at this point, the product placement is impressive.

Luke arrives on the back of a heaving white steed that stamps and whinnies until he coaxes it with apple slices. Haha just kidding, that’s just for me. Hannah tells Amanda and Lindsay that she agreed to go on a date with Luke, and they’re shocked. Jaws on da flo’! They advise her to tell Armand, which Hannah says she will, though I have my doubts. Meanwhile, Jordan brings Jules a drink in a souvenir cup he brought home from Busch Gardens. Jordan asks her why she didn’t text or call; she asks him why he didn’t open her DMs. And all of a sudden… Jules is… adding value? Next thing you know, they’re fucking smooching and OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF! Up is down and down is up, I NEED AIR!! Jules you salty dog! I didn’t know you had it in ya old girl! Stand back from the platform, the pipe train is coming through!!!

Everyone prepares for the party and they look fantastic. Kyle is throwing 98 over the black (is his hair ever askance? Seems like it’s always skance) as Hannah playfully asks when the last time was that he and Amanda had sex. Turns out, last night! Huge! That’s a breakthrough. Well done guys, I’m pulling for you. Legitimately pulling on my dong, if you get my driftwood. Everyone piles into awaiting cars, which was the first time I realized they’re not having the party at their house. Instead, they head to some restaurant/club. Fair enough, I can adapt.

As they sit down, a very gung-ho waiter greets Kyle and with a dap, which I thought was presumptuous. The gang orders espresso martinis around the table, except Luke who orders a bud light and a glass with two olives, which he calls a poor-man’s martini? I call it bullshit. That’s just beer with a side of fruit. Are olives fruit? They grow on trees. But so do moss and bark, and you’d never put that shit in a budlight. Let’s move on.

Lindsay is wearing a preposterous wig and looks like the sort of receptionist that would claim she was sexually harassed but nobody would believe. She uses the wig to create an alter-ego, “Deb.” Deb then updates the group and says that Carl finger-banged Lindsay, and that he told Lindsay he thinks he likes her. At this, Carl hits the camera with one of the all-time great looks. Carl is completely miserable. Poor Lindsay has no idea, because Carl clearly has not been honest about his change of heart. But this is exactly why we all love this show so much: to watch people squirm, melt down, and eventually explode.

After a round of fireball shots—is this show sponsored by fireball too?—our friends hit the dance floor. At 2AM, they return home. Carl practically sprints for his bed, presumably to avoid any confusion or accidental fornication with Lindsay. Everyone else unleashes their inner child. Jules and Jordan get in bed together to consummate this strange reunion. But what follows is one of the most confusing scenes I’ve ever witnessed: under covers and in total darkness, Jules says “let’s do this.” Then Jordan says “you’re so unbelievable.” Then they fast-forward a bit, and Jordan says “Oh my God.” And then I think Jordan says, “Did you finish? No? I tried to.” To which Jules replies, “I’m sorry. Do you consider it sex if you don’t finish?” It’s a little tough to know who is saying what. But either way, it seems like these two had the most confusing, anticlimactic intercourse of all time. And yes Jules, it’s still sex even if you don’t finish. That’s the whole point of faking—to make miserable sex end. I sure hope we get clarity in the morning.

But the next day, everyone goes to exercise classes. It’s pretty impressive how much these guys exercise on Saturday mornings. Jules, Hannah, and Amanda opt for paddleboard yoga while the guys + Lindsay hit Barry’s Boot Camp. The contrast is stark: the Barry’s clan thunders down treadmills in a laser tag arena, while the girls are being taught how to remain calm when a boat starts to sink. At the treadmill rave, Carl and the trainer of the class start to flirt… right under the nose of Lindsay. He says, “I’ve never been that guy at the gym to hit on the trainer…” Oh please Crazy Carl, you’re that guy. And something tells me we’re about to see you be yourself.

By the way, fitness instructors are great fun to date. Until they beat the shit out of you.

The guys go around to the back of the Barry’s complex to play cornhole and lounge in this strange, lush Garden of Eden. Carl and Kyle then go to the smoothie truck, where trainer Sarah appears. Kyle leaves them to figure their feelings out, and Carl asks her on a date. Keep in mind, this is maybe twenty yards from Lindsay. I just can’t even imagine being that suicidal. Like walking into a bear cave, building a fire, and cooking a hamburger while you sing a loud song at the foot of a grizzly. She agrees to the date—cute as a button—and Carl hugs her as if to say thank you (adorable).

Let’s just break this down real quick: Carl just asked out a fitness trainer, effectively in front of Lindsay, who still thinks she’s dating Carl because he only broke up with her… in his imagination. Crazy Carl, you never cease to amaze me.

Back at watersports, Jules tries to explain the half-sex she had with Jordan last night. She says “it’s like once we start having sex, he can have a boner for hours, like I don’t get it.” Neither do we, Jules. You’re supposed to phone a physician when that happens. Does this mean he just can’t ejaculate? Tell him to finish himself off. Whisper words of encouragement. Throw some clothespins on his nipples. Plenty of ways to unclog a toilet.

Hannah debates the Armand-Luke decision. She likes Luke’s forwardness and doesn’t like that Armand’s passiveness, which she says is a result of how comfortable he is with her. Jules then shares what she overheard between Armand and Lindsay at the 4th of July party, claiming Armand said “things between Hannah and I are casual.” Ignoring the improper pronoun use (Hannah and me*), the show cuts to the exchange and here’s what he actually said: “We’re just hanging out, we’re not putting a title on it.” Jules is fucking lying to stir the pot and once again, I’m out on Jules. Saboteur! That’s a misquote! Christ almighty, poor Armand can’t catch a break with this gang!

Back at the house, Jules and Jordan drink rosé by the pool. According to Jules, “last night was fun, but I’m a little sexually frustrated.” Hmmm. Does this mean that she didn’t ejaculate? Ah, maybe that’s it. Maybe she didn’t finish. Maybe they both didn’t finish? Gosh, this is a totally twisted pile of worms, and I can make neither heads nor tails of it. These two need to bring some machines into their sex life. Upstairs, Hannah checks in with Lindsay about Armand’s description of their relationship as casual. Finally! Lindsay is going to expose Jules for the liar that she is! Lindsay knows! Lindsay knows he never said “casual.” Right?

And just when you think that we’re about witness a moment of truth, of goodness, of righteousness… Lindsay confirms Jules’ version. Jesus fucking Christ. Is there no God? Armand never said casual you heathens. There is a guerrilla campaign underway to paint Armand as Mr. Casual, and nobody told him to hire an attorney. If only Carl were aware, he’d have Armand’s back. I know Crazy Carl.

Speaking of, Hannah switches focus to Lindsay-Carl. She tells her, basically, that Carl is casual. Casual Carl. See what I did there? That’s called completely inaccurate paraphrasing. Hannah, I know you’re reading this. Can’t believe you did Armand like that. Luke’s music is atrocious. As we head to break, Lindsay and Carl prepare for their come-to-Jesus conversation. A storm is a brewin’…

Carl and Lindsay take their talk upstairs to the balcony. Meanwhile, the rest of the house preps for dinner downstairs. Nobody seems to be aware of the hornet’s nest dirty bomb that is building overhead. In typical fashion, their conversation starts in a friendly manner. Compliments abound, praise soars, and smiles pass between them, much like the respectful pleasantries that are exchanged between representatives of two armies on the eve of battle.

Seconds later, we’re picking up steam. Hannah knows, and silences everyone so as to better hear the exchange. Carl throws up his hands about 40 times in 10 seconds, admitting that he plans to take the Barry’s instructor on a “friend date” lol. Love it Carl. Keep poking Tyson in his prime. Lindsay, impressively, is keeping it together, but we start to see the veins of her neck come out. She stands up and walks away, but she’s still keeping the lid on. As the episode comes to an end, we hear Carl muttering “crazy… she’s batshit crazy.”

But in this instance, perhaps, it takes one to know one. Would you agree, Crazy Carl?

Click here for more recaps from this season of Summer House