It’s been a little over eight years since the first Avengers movie crash-landed onto Earth, and since then, a lot has happened. I mean for starters, that original Avengers squad doesn’t even really exist anymore.
We’re in a different phase, folks. I think it’s Phase Three. Maybe Four. It could also be the second one. To be honest, I’ve lost track.
I personally like to look back and remember the good old days when Thor was still boring, Hulk was a muscle-bound sack of potatoes, and Iron Man was still alive, which is exactly what we’re going to do right now.
We all have our favorite Avenger, and conversely, we all have one we hate the most. Of course, these rankings are extremely subjective, but let’s say that in between intergalactic battles with the fate of mankind at stake, you found yourself able to sit down and have a few beers with one of them. Which one would you choose and why?
I know who I would pick and I also know who I definitely wouldn’t and I decided to take the time to put together a good old fashioned ranking of them all.
I know that some of them might no longer be with us but let’s just ignore that to make things a little more interesting. Also, I’m only talking about official members of the Avengers and some part-timers here, so this ranking does not include any of the Guardians of the Galaxy (although if it did, Rocket would definitely be in the top three).
Let’s do this.
I had to go back and look up where Vision came from, because while I knew it happened during that second Avengers movie, that film was an absolute train wreck so I wasn’t totally sure. However, I somehow got even more confused after doing some research. Thanks for nothing, internet.
The bottom line is that Vision isn’t a real person. Vision is like…a thing that’s powered by another thing that was created by this other thing.
As for drinking with Vision, he’s probably your guy if you’re a fan of sipping on extremely old scotch and wistfully staring off into the great unknown. He doesn’t seem like much of a conversationalist.
Whew, talk about a liability. You’d have to be careful hanging out with Hulk even if you were sober. After having a few drinks with him? Forget about it.
Hulk is like that one friend we all had in college; the one who would drink way more than any human should and would somehow end up either in a bush outside a dorm at some point during the night or attempting to jump out of a window because he was certain that it was the quickest way to get to a party.
Spoiler: it wasn’t.
However, in this case, it’s not your buddy from college; it’s the Hulk, so he’s, like, way worse than that.
I think even the mellowed out Hulk from Endgame is a risk because, you know, he’s still the Hulk. Being able to control your emotions is great but good luck finding a person who has always managed to control their emotions while drunk.
14. Doctor Strange
No one likes a know-it-all, Doctor Strange. No one.
You’d be at the bar, sitting there watching sports (remember those?) and homeboy would be just sitting there, casually ruining everything for you.
“Don’t tell me who wins,” you’d say. He’d agree, but because he’s kind of a dick, he’d go on to spoil things like whether or not someone is going to hit a basket or drop a pass. It’d get old fast.
With that said, if you’re looking to throw some money down on a game, old Doc Strange could come in handy.
Hawkeye is a little moody and slightly too brooding for me. I like the angst that comes with some quality drama but not when it comes to a drinking buddy.
The only situation where Hawkeye would make for a good person to saddle up to a bar with would be one where you were feeling a little blue and wanted to stare into your drink and wonder where it all went wrong.
I do think Hawkeye would have smokes on him and you’d definitely end up wanting one at some point. Don’t ask him for a light, though. He’d probably say something like “You want me to smoke it for you too?” You’d laugh it off, but deep down, it hurt. It kind of made you feel a little foolish.
No thank you.
For starters, Peter Parker isn’t old enough to get into a bar. If I were to drink with him, it would likely mean that I’d be buying booze for a minor. I’m not doing that. I don’t care how hot his aunt is. I’m a grown man.
If I were to end up supplying him because this particular Spider-Man is easily the best version of the superhero, I can’t say that I’d be aching to drink with him afterward.
Could he even hold his alcohol? I’m not sure. Would he be an obnoxious drunk; the kind that never shuts up and is super loud the whole time? Probably. Would he hurt himself by taking a dinger trying to do some sweet Spider-Man stuff that he can usually do but currently can’t because he’s had three White Claws? The odds seem pretty good.
I’m a big fan, Spidey, but I can’t say I’m dying to go drinking with you. I’m sure you understand.
11. Scarlet Witch
I’ve never hung out with someone named Wanda. I’m not sure if I’ve ever even met someone named Wanda. Are we still naming kids Wanda or is it one of those names that have been phased out over the years?
Now, as long as she’d be game for it, Scarlet Witch could be a lot of fun to hang out with.
You know how it’s fun to watch a couple on a first or second date (especially an awkward one or one that isn’t going particularly well)? Well, imagine if you had someone like Scarlet Witch in your corner and could do things to make the date even worse. Eventually, you’re laughing at the misfortune of others and it’s simply fantastic.
I’d be a little skeptical of Scarlet Witch going along with this, though, because she seems like someone who wouldn’t be down with something like that but I’m sure she’d come around after a few shots.
10. War Machine
Can we spend all night making fun of Tony Stark? Can War Machine tell me juicy stories about Iron Man and models and wild adventures involving helicopters and incredibly fancy yachts?
Let’s dish, War Machine. I’m in. I’m all in. Just don’t be a downer. Sometimes you can be a real bummer, buddy. Let’s keep it light. We’re having fun here.
9. Captain Marvel
I want to only talk about the ’90s with Captain Marvel. That’s it. My girl has a super complicated backstory and it involves a good amount of detail that sounds completely made up, and to be honest, I’d rather skip all of it.
I’d much rather talk about grunge or the early Quentin Tarantino movies or remember some ska bands. I don’t want to talk about aliens and alien races when you can chat about Pearl Jam instead, which is something I like to think Captain Marvel might be into.
8. Black Panther
There’s no doubt that Black Panther is cool but I’m not sure he possesses the ability to relax. He just seems really, really, really, ridiculously serious.
I get it. He’s a king. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. I don’t wear a crown so I wouldn’t know. There’s a lot of days where I’m not even sure if I’m in charge of my backyard let alone an entire kingdom (not to mention a kingdom that is super advanced).
I’d just be concerned that spending a night with Black Panther would consist of him talking a lot about his pride and responsibility and then his pride some more and the burden that comes with being the chosen one. I could be wrong. Maybe he does have that other gear he can shift down to and become super chill. I’m not ruling it out.
I’m not just banking on it.
I do bet Shuri would be able to whip up some kind of pill that allows you to drink all you want without getting hungover, though. That alone is enough to boost his stock a bit.
7. Captain America
I’m concerned about Cap being a tad too serious as well.
We’re having fun. Enjoy yourself! You’re super old but you’re still in great shape. Cherish it. I’m currently not super old but I’ve reached a point where it sometimes hurts when I get out of bed in the morning. You’re almost a hundred years old and can do way more push-ups than me. Lighten up and let’s crush some beers.
We’re gonna drink some good old American beers too; the type that gives you the kind of hangover that makes your brain feel like a public urinal at a football stadium the next day.
Another concern I’d have is that it could be dangerous to keep up with Cap once the wheels come off. I could see him obliterating the beer count Wade Boggs once racked up on a flight and doing so with ease. Once Cap hits double digits, it’s probably all downhill from there.
I don’t know if I could hang but I’ll be damned if I didn’t try. It’d be the patriotic thing to do.
Is Falcon going to get that magical serum shot that made Captain America the man he is? I hope so. It’d be kind of bullshit if he didn’t. I mean, a shield is nice but it’d be dope if you could run super fast and jump so far you don’t need those dumb wings anymore.
As far as drinking with Falcon goes, I bet it’d be pretty chill and I can get down with doing some chill drinking. Falcon also seems like an easy conversationalist and I feel like he’d be a quality hang overall.
A good chunk of that conversation would probably end up being about the status of that serum, though. Not getting the injection is kind of like getting a promotion but not getting a pay raise to go along with it. What the hell is the point of that besides impressing the handful of people who follow you on LinkedIn?
There isn’t one.
5. Black Widow
I know, I know. She died. It was a bummer because it didn’t really need to happen. Based on how much they were messing around with time in Endgame, it seems like there’s a way they could have gotten the Soul Stone and then reversed time or something to prevent her from meeting her demise.
She’d also be dealing with the blow of having her own movie getting pushed to November, which A) Might not happen based on how things play out or B) Will happen but get overlooked because November will be so flooded with movies that it’ll likely get lost in the shuffle.
That’s two back-to-back notches in the loss column for our girl. It sounds like someone could use a drink.
Now, I typically don’t really mess around with vodka all that much. I’ve never really developed a taste for it. It’s not that I don’t like it; I just haven’t danced with it enough to have developed any kind of opinion on it.
With that said, I want to drink some vodka with Black Widow. I can’t make any promises as it pertains to my ability to do much of anything the next day, but we’ll take care of that later.
4. Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier
His arm is a giant bottle opener. That is way better than your buddy who has those flip-flops with the bottle opener on the bottom. Ol’ Buck can open your brew without having to expose his feet to a dirty floor. That’s a win in my book.
Logistics aside, Bucky seems like a straight-up good dude. Who doesn’t like hanging out with someone like that? A solid dude and an arm that’s a bottle opener? I’m not sure what more you could ask for.
3. Iron Man
I initially had Iron Man ranked lower than where I ultimately placed him, because when I first thought about it, I felt like Tony Stark would actually be a little bit of a handful. I’m not really one for loud people and Tony Stark is one of those people.
Sorry: Tony Stark was a loud person.
Then I thought about it some more and I realized he has what it takes to secure the bronze here. First of all, Iron Man is definitely picking up the tab. He can also get you into places that you absolutely wouldn’t be able to gain access to yourself and attracting the finest women the club has to offer to his V.I.P. table once you’re inside.
This might make it seem like I’m only interested in hanging out with Iron Man because of the perks that would come with it. Guess what? That’s exactly right.
Ant-Man would probably be on the exact opposite end of the spectrum of Iron Man, and as someone who is decidedly in that position in real life, he’s locked in at number two.
Criminal record aside, Scott Lang is a pretty chill dude. He’s a dad. I’m a dad. I don’t have a van, but I’ve driven a van, so I get it. Vans are pretty cool unless they don’t have windows and are parked near a playground. Those are the kind of vans you call the cops about.
Ant-Man also seems like the most approachable Avenger. You’d be like, “Hey, Ant-Man” and he’d be like, “Yup, that’s me. I’m Ant-Man.” That would be it. You could ask him what it’s like to time travel or ride on the back of an insect and he’d tell you in a way that would make it seem totally normal.
For the record, time travel and riding on the back of an ant are not totally normal.
Thor is obviously number one. The only way Thor wouldn’t be sitting here in the top spot is if Thor: Ragnarok had never happened, as that movie changed how we view Thor forever.
Pre-Ragnarok Thor is maybe eighth. He could get as high as sixth but that’s probably his ceiling. Thankfully, Taika Waititi intervened, and as a result, Thor comes away with the gold.
Thor owns every room he walks into but still has time for the little people. He would undoubtedly be an excellent wingman if the situation called for it. He would pump you up like you could only imagine. He might sell it a little too hard, but whatever. It’s all good. He’s Thor.
He’s buying beers, people are buying him beers, and there are a lot of shots getting passed around and a hell of a lot of back-slapping (which admittedly could get dangerous because it’s Thor). You also know he’s the kind of dude who loves himself a good bro hug after slamming half-a-dozen pints. He’ll come at you from across the room with arms open as wide as they possibly could be.
You’re not going to keep up with him so don’t even try. Are you a god from another universe? No. You’re not. Thor is, and consequently, he can drink almost an entire keg by himself. If you do that, you will probably die.
Just have fun and enjoy the ride.