via Leslie Cohen / BroBible
Editor’s Note: Welcome back to a special Valentine’s Day relationship column from Leslie Cohen. Read last week’s column here: Dating Red Flags: Go Ahead. Date the Bad Boy. But Don’t Come Crying to Me.
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I was twenty-three and living in Aspen, Colorado: land of the free, home of the drug-addicted oddballs. I was writing a column for the newspaper, but in order to afford to live, I got a second job as a tennis instructor and a third job as a hostess at a restaurant. At the restaurant, I spent my time ogling the bartender, Mike. I had a strict three-part criterion at the time and Mike checked every box: he was hot. He was stoic. He read my column every week.
Mike and I had never been out together before, but we’d been heavily flirting since a Halloween night cover band concert where I wore a “Snow Cat” costume, aka a short black dress that dipped down low in the front, hugged my hips and showed off my legs, which were covered in black, sparkly stockings, meant to resemble snow. I wore red lipstick and a furry black headband.
You look so hot in that, he said into my ear, with a group of our friends standing around us. He tapped his hand against my waist, taking the soft, thin cotton between his fingers. I can’t stop trying to touch your body.
You don’t have to, I whispered back.
He bought me drinks. I danced with him behind me, very close. He told me: I can’t work when you’re around. I can’t do anything. Whenever you walk into the room, all I can think about is you.
I smiled.
Is this what you want? For me to be in a constant state of craving you?
I nodded.
It continued on like this for months. Needless to say, come Valentine’s Day, I was ready to quit all this talking and make something happen and apparently, so was he.
“Do you have plans tomorrow night?” He asked me, as we were setting up the restaurant for opening.
I was hesitant. Not because I didn’t want to but because tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. I reminded myself that this is Aspen, land of the endless winter, home of the endless partying, so it was entirely possible that this guy had absolutely no idea what day it was.
“Ummm… Other than tuning my edges, I’ve got nothing to do!” I said, because you had to be wilderness-ready at all times in this town. “Why?” I ask.
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“Why?” He laughed, shaking his head. “Because I want to take you out and I want you to bring your bathing suit,” he said, and then I was downright convinced we were soulmates because I’ll never miss a chance to bring a bathing suit on a date. It’s like taking an already good thing and adding extra. Do you want fries with that? Yes. Yes, I do.
The next night, Mike picked me up in his pick-up truck and we drove up, further into the mountains. I was wearing a hot pink bikini under my clothes and pining for him the entire ride. He told me that his friend has a “sweet place” with a hot tub. He lets him use it all the time. How many girls have you… But I digress. We pulled up to a giant pad on the mountain and got to the gate that led to the pool and hot tub. It was locked. We looked into a dark window. He used a credit card to open the door. He searched the living room for a key, which was difficult for him to find. He lets you use it but hides the key? I was no expert, but this felt like breaking and entering to me.
He found the key. We got back to the gate and entered. Everything was dark but the tub. It was a beautiful scene— the crisp, cool air, the blue light emanating from the water as it bubbles and steams, like a fluorescent caldron in the middle of the woods.
We stripped down and got into the tub. It took about 2.5 seconds before we were kissing and breathing heavily into each other’s necks. Another 2.5 seconds and my bikini top was on the deck surrounding the hot tub. He pinned my hands together above my head with one hand. It was everything I had wanted for months. A fantasy starting to be fulfilled. I straddled him, eyes closed. And then, I opened my eyes.
In the distant dark, I saw two eyes staring back at me. Glowing. Not blinking. Not moving. Just watching. I froze, gasped, which he mistook for a very brief orgasm.
“Sweet,” he said, smiling. I whisper-shouted: “No. Look over there. I think it’s a bear,” I said through clenched teeth as he was holding me topless.
“Holy shit. Is it black or brown?” He said, mistaking me for some kind of park ranger.
Sure, there had been some reports of bears in the area lately, but hey, it’s Colorado. And it’s not like I worked for the newspaper or anything. I can’t be bogged down by headlines.
“Which is worse?”
He sighed. “Brown.”
“Should we… make a run for it?”
“We can’t run. They’re faster than we are.”
I felt a pit in my stomach. “So what do we do? Climb a tree?” Panic settled in.
“No. Bears can climb. The important thing is to stay calm.”
“I’m from New York City! That ship has sailed!”
“Okay,” he whispered, standing up now and holding me by the waist. “We have to make ourselves as big as possible.”
“I’m naked.”
“And speak in a firm voice.”
“A firm voice? We’re negotiating with this animal?”
“Don’t shriek. Whatever you do. Do not shriek, okay? Bears respect confidence. So we’re going to stand up, maintain eye contact, and drift backwards like we are leaving anyway, okay? Oh, and don’t freak out if he charges at us. Some charges are bluff charges. They don’t mean anything.”
Bluff charges????
“I am definitely going to freak out if he charges!”
“I am going to lift you slowly. You get onto my back. I’ll grab our clothes.”
He started slowly, moving gently, but quickly turned to hoofing it. I could hear the crunch of the bear in snow behind us. My heart was pounding. We were being chased.
And then I heard it. The unmistakable sound of a bear, jumping into a hot tub.
I was panting with relief on the other side of the gate. “So, basically,” I said, zipping my ski jacket against my bare chest. “We were just in his hot tub?”
As we tiptoed off the property, I looked back at the water. I saw the bear, a flash of hot pink across its chest. Somehow, the bear had gotten entangled in my bathing suit. Turns out there is something funnier than a bear in a hot tub and that is a bear in a hot tub, wearing your bikini.