The 2015 Oscars Gift Bags Are Worth Over Six-Figures And Include A Vibrator

84th Academy Awards Nominations Announcement

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So what’s inside the 2015 Oscars Gift Bags? Well, a whole heap of impractical things no one actually needs, and also a vibrator. But enough chit chat, let’s take a look.

According to Variety:

A three-night stay at a resort in Tuscany valued at $1,500; a luxury train ride through the Canadian Rockies worth more than $14,500; natural French Mediterranean sea salts worth $1,500; a custom silver necklace inscribed with the latitude and longitude coordinates of the Dolby Theater from Lat & Lo at $150; a “glamping” trip valued at $12,500; a $800 gift certificate for a custom candy and dessert buffet; a $250 Haze vaporizer; a $250 Afterglow vibrator; a Wellness 360 gift pack worth $1,200; a year’s worth of all-Audi A4 car rental from Silvercar valued at $20,000; a Reset Yourself lifestyle makeover package worth more than $14,200; and … a $20,000 gift certificate to have Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor fly out to meet with each nominee “to discuss their 2015 horoscope, analyze dreams and teach them mind control techniques.”

What a ridiculous bag of shit. PURE SHIT.

It’s no wonder most of the nominees donate their Oscars gift bag or give it to a friend. I wouldn’t want to pay the five-figure taxes on this sack of crap and I certainly wouldn’t want anyone, EVER, to pay some idiot $20,000 to tell me about what planets and stars think is in store for my 2015.

Oh, and wouldn’t it be cheaper to lease an Audi A4 for an entire year than to have access to a rental?

The real, dollar-for-dollar, star of the 2015 Oscars gift bag is the $250 Afterglow vibrator. It’s a testament to how far we’ve come as a society. Just tossing sex toys into gift bags at Hollywood’s most prestigious event.

I don’t know shit about vibrators, but that thing and its rings of pulsating pleasure look like the Real McCoy.  I mean, how does a guy compete with something that’s dishing out 8-minute sensual journeys at the touch of a button?