Shit happens and no one is immune. Everyone has at least one shit-related story that still gives them nightmares. If someone tells you they don’t, they’re a goddamn liar and should never be trusted.
Every time I here a story like Adam Pally told Conan O’Brien last night I am reminded of two very public shit incidents in my life. Thankfully, neither happened to me directly, but they were temporary life ruiners for those involved. The first happened to a girl on the varsity cheerleading team at my high school. She caught a gnarly case of the liquids right before a football game while the team was practicing in the parking lot. She went from zero to shitty REAL FAST. One moment she was normal and the next moment the shit had breached her underwear and cascaded down her leg in front of the entire team. From that day forth poor Maria was known as Dia-Maria.
The second shit-tastrophie was kind of my fault. Well, at least when it came to the public finding out. After a drunken night, my entire fraternity had to wake up early to go to the beach for a rush event. When I woke up, I walked down the hall to take a piss, as one normally does after a night of heavy drinking. In the bathroom, I saw my friend washing shit out his underwear in the utility sink. “Camm, please don’t say anything, I shit my pants in my sleep” he said. “Yeah, that whole ‘me not saying anything’ part can’t happen” I said.
Then I proceeded to tell everyone.
There are a lot of things I did when I was younger that I now regret, but telling people who wanted to hear about how my buddy shit his bed in his sleep is not one of them.