Being a conspiracy theorist must be fucking exhausting. Every time anyone presents you with any kind of fact, you have to immediately get to work proving why it’s wrong and how the coverup has been orchestrated. They can never give themselves a break. They must just sit in front of the TV watching the news and screaming “That’s wrong!! You’re all wrong!!” while eating whatever canned goods they have lying around straight from the can since they all believe that bowls were invented by the government to remind its citizens that we are all simply dogs eating the food they provide to us.
Take Ann Coulter. For those of you who missed Comedy Central’s The Roast of Rob Lowe, you essentially missed what turned out to be The Roast of Ann Coulter Formerly Known as The Roast of Rob Lowe. I mean, looking back, I’m not sure why she agreed to appear in the first place, but that’s neither here nor there. As a quick rundown of how much shit the other roasters shovelled into her mouth as the night progressed, here are some quick highlights.
Oh, but it all in fact got much worse. Unfortunately, tape of Coulter’s actually stand-up set have disappeared from the internet, which may be for the best, because it was fucking horrible. She pretty much just got booed the entire time as she plugged her new book about Donald Trump and delivered jokes so bad that I think I personally could have done better and one time I tried stand-up and did so badly that someone threw a beer bottle at me and the bouncers didn’t even kick him out. Here are some of her “highlights”:
“As a right-wing hatemonger, it’s fantastic to be at a big Hollywood shindig with all these glittering celebrities, that isn’t a fundraiser for Obama!”
“David [Spade] is the perfect roast-master for the show. He’s successful enough that everyone knows who he is, but not so successful that he makes us feel threatened. He’s like the Mike Pence of comedy.”
“If I could get just one person here to vote for Trump, it would be you, Ralph [Macchio]. People would be so surprised. I’d go up and say, ‘I got Ralph Macchio, he’s voting for Donald Trump.’ And they’d say, ‘Oh what a shock! Ralph is still alive???’ Just kidding, you look totally fantastic, it’s unbelievable, Ralph. Can you believe this guy is like 54? He looks incredible. Whatever you’ve been drinking, you’ve gotta send a few cases to Hillary.”
“I’m honored to share this stage with a patriot, Rob Riggle, thank you for your service. You were a Marine for over 20 years, you’ve seen things no man should have seen, including ‘The Daily Show’ with Trevor Noah.”
“Peyton Manning, I applaud your conservative convictions, I know you’re a big supporter of Jeb Bush. That’s a political contribution that will pay handsomely. Jeb got four delegates, which makes me laugh harder than any of the jokes tonight.”
“I’m a big fan of Rob Lowe’s work, especially of course the taped threesome. To this day that remains the most authentic performance I have ever seen at a Democratic National Convention.”
I can’t even really do it justice here because, on top of these painfully unfunny jokes, her delivery was indescribably terrible. I guess picture someone using a nail gun in an attempt to extinguish a house fire and that’s about as successful as she was trying to use her brand of comedy to make people laugh. Despite the fact that her entire segment was either marred by either complete silence or resounding boos, Coulter spoke with TMZ and claimed that, when she performed, all she heard was laughter and applause and the entire segment was edited to look worse.
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Man, if this is true, it must be another instance of the mainstream media and Crooked Hillary being dishonest and falsely twisting the narrative of Donald Trump’s public campaign. I mean, all she did was show up to a comedy event with the sole purpose of using it as a platform to further her political agenda and plug her newest political book. How can we all have been so shallow to not recognize the truths she was spilling to us?
Speaking of Donald Trump, after watching Coulter’s attempt to roast, I’m not sure which was: Her or Mike ‘The Situation’ from Jersey Shore during his.