‘The Bachelorette’ Recap Episode 5: The Return Of Chad (Sort Of)

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The word “Chad” is defined by Urban Dictionary as “a stereotypical douchebag asshole/jock/frat boy/with an ego the size of the planet, who needs a swift roundhouse kick to the jaw…..Basically, they think they’re the best at everything, love to talk shit, and are a general nuisance in every way possible.”

I agree with 99.5% of that definition of a “Chad,” but what this obviously intelligent individual forgot to mention was that Chad never dies. Ever. And those who were smart enough to watch The Bachelorette last night learned that.

Our episode started off with Chad, the contestant, coming back to the house to assert his dominance one last time. Chad went out in the only way Chad could go out: being the massive douche bag he is. He didn’t apologize and you have to respect that. You see, in this age of “Oh, wait, did I hurt your feelings? I’m sorry. I’m going to turn my thoughts on this situation to conform to your feelings just so I don’t violate your safe space,” Chad does the opposite. He could have gone the route of Ayesha Curry, throwing out an incredibly strong and controversial take but then apologizing for it (in Ayesha’s case it was deleting the tweet), but he didn’t. I have probably written 5,000 words on my hero this season, but I just want to say these six words one last time: I will never forget you, Chad.

Now, let’s get to Chad #2, JoJo’s ex. For those of you who are new to this show, your intuition is right: this is 100% manufactured. Yes, Chad is a real guy, he made an appearance during the last season of The Bachelor, but the article in that gossip magazine is not true.

In the WWE there is a term called “a work.” This is when Vince McMahon and the WWE creative team book an event to happen. For example, a work is when a wrestler takes a fake punch to the face and then acts as if he/she was actually hit. What happened with that article was 100% a work by The Bachelorette producers. There is also another term in the WWE, where if you believe what is happening in the WWE is real, then you are “getting worked, Bro.” As I’ve said before, The Bachelorette and the WWE are like brother and sister, and if you believe that article is real, you are getting worked, bro.

Nonetheless, this is just another example of The Bachelorette being the best show on TV at producing drama. Last night, although there was a bit too much crying for my emotionless self, was a great episode. Let’s get to our goodbyes, power rankings, and awards!!

Goodbyes:

Each week we will pay our respects and say our goodbyes to the men who were eliminated during last night’s rose ceremony and/or left on a random beach in the middle of nowhere (miss you, Olivia.)

James F (LW: 9): James F decided to read a poem last night, which was met with the ultimate “aw, that’s cute, but don’t forget you are friend zoned” by JoJo. This just goes to my theory that you should never, I repeat NEVER, read a poem to a girl unless you are in a committed long-term relationship. The poem strategy just never works.

Daniel (LW: 4): I’m going to miss his Canadian accent. I’m going to miss his “you know” to end every one of his sentences. I will never forget the Chad-Daniel bromance, even though it was short lived.

Also, Daniel gave us one of the best exit interviews in recent history:

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/dwpla

Grant (LW: 6): Goodbye to Captain Chin.

Vinny (LW:7): Vinny cried in his exit interview. Throughout the past few weeks I have mentioned I wanted to get a haircut from Vinny, but after seeing those tears roll down his face, I no longer desire a haircut from Vinny. I don’t trust men who cry to cut my hair. Call me sexist (you won’t because this is about a guy), I don’t care, but that philosophy has treated me very well and I will not back down on it.

Evan (LW: 13): At least we know that Evan never got the money for his t-shirt from Chad:

Nice guys finish last, always.

Power Rankings:

Each week I will power rank the competitors who remain. Please know that these power rankings are not who I think is going to win, but instead whom I, personally, like the most. The power rankings will be split into three categories, Bachelorette Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven.

Please tell me why I am DEAD WRONG about my power rankings on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt

Bachelorette Hell:
These men are in the pits of Bachelorette despair. I don’t like these guys for either rational or completely irrational reasons that I will explain below.

8. Robby (LW: 12):
• If you had to manufacture a person who looks like a trust fund baby that spent his summers as a kid at the country club, it would be Robby.
• Robby and JoJo ended their date watching fireworks. I want to say this one thing on fireworks before we continue: they are the most overrated event in this world. They are fun for the first 30 seconds, then the next 30 minutes are spent pretending to be amazed by the colors in the sky.
• Robby received some tough news this week as Chad, in his most Chad move ever, has started to hook up with his ex-girlfriend….

https://www.instagram.com/p/BG4fT8yuSf1/?taken-by=realchadjohnson&hl=en

7. Napoleon Alex (LW: 10):

• I honestly don’t know what the deal is with this guy. Maybe he was bullied as a kid because he was short. Maybe some girl broke his heart at the senior prom, but Alex needs to relax.
• Here’s an idea for Alex: stop doing shrugs in the gym, and in that extra time you will find time to read on how to control your emotions.

6. James Taylor (LW: 12):
• Of course James Taylor found a way to include his guitar in the group goodbye to Chad….of course.
• I still don’t believe that James Taylor is his real name.

Bachelorette Purgatory:
Think of purgatory just like the current Boston Celtics team. Yes, they have a good team, but they are going to consistently get bounced from the playoffs in the first two rounds because they don’t have a superstar. It’s the same thing for the guys below. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them in a group, but if they ever asked me to get a beer with them I’d make up some stupid excuse like my non-existent cat had to go to the hospital.

5. Wells (LW: 8):
• Wells, if you are going to wear a suit, please, PLEASE, learn how to tie your tie. He looked like a kid mid-way through a Bar Mitzvah wearing a shirt and tie for the first time during the first rose ceremony.
• I was starting to like Wells, but then he committed the ultimate crime against humanity: fucking with another man’s protein powder. I will never forgive him for that.

4. Derek (LW: 5):
• Tough week for Jim Halpert. I don’t even know what he was trying to do with the whole “You guys need to stop being a high school clique” thing.
• Derek is a dead man walking.

3. Chase (LW: 2):
• Nothing really to note from this episode. The previews seem to show us that Chase and JoJo are going to have some serious drama.

Bachelorette Heaven:
These guys, who are usually massive douchebags, are the type of guys I would want to get a beer with.

2. Jordan (LW: 3):
• Jordan is strictly in this position of the power rankings based upon his power move of taking JoJo behind a wall, 15 feet behind the other guys, and making out with her.
• Jordan seems to be the guy that is going to take on Chad’s role as the heel (most hated) of the house. I think I like heel Jordan much better than the one consistently fighting with Chad. I hope he embraces it, because if he doesn’t this could be a boring season.

1. Luke (LW: 1):
• I have absolutely no confidence putting Luke at this position. I’m not finding myself liking any of the guys in the house now that Chad is gone. Usually, I will have a definitive number one, but this season looks to be an outlier. At least I had Chad for a few weeks ☹.

Awards:

Moment Of The Night: JoJo questioning Jordan on his checkered past. I fully expect Jordan’s ex to come back with another great Instagram calling him out for lying about their relationship. As of 12:01 AM, June 21st she has not posted anything. How did we ever watch this show without the contestants exes talking shit about them on social media?

Awkward Moment Of The Night:


Quote Of The Night:

The “Act Like You’ve Been There Before” Award:
If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”

This award goes to Evan for his exit interview. “I am disappointed in myself” is how Evan ended his time on The Bachelorette. I hope he realizes that his chances of winning this contest were as high as me playing in the NFL in a few months when I haven’t put on pads in 3 years.

Internet Moment Of The Night:

Hardo Of The Night:
Noun- A hardo is a person who tries extremely hard at everything. Most times a hardo will try very hard at things that do not require excessive effort.

Alex. Stop trying to have a pissing contest with the rest of the guys in the house. It’s accomplishing nothing and will not effect your exit in a few weeks.

Let me know your thoughts on last nights episode over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt (I follow back)!