So Bella Hadid is unhappy about Selena Gomez canoodling in public with her ex-beau, The Weeknd. I know this because
Bella and I used to hook up but still talk casually Bella unfollowed Selena on Instagram. Now before you call me out for being petty or looking into this too much, remember what world we live in. A social media unfollow in 2017 is the equivalent to someone taking a shit on your grandfathers grave stone. Unfollowing is actively unsubscribing to someone’s life.
But, ultimately, this tactic will only validate Selena’s decision to grub on Bella’s sloppy seconds, so I’ve compiled a list of 10 tried-and-true measures Bella can and should take to hit Selena where it hurts.
1.) Get #SelenaHasGout trending on Twitter. Gout is a random enough disease that people will actually think it’s true and it has mystique because no one really knows what it is but they know it’s fucking disgusting. How many girls do you know who live an active sex life with Gout? Exactly. This could ruin her.
2.) Comment on one of Selena’s Instagram photos from 21 weeks ago: “fat”
3.) Give Justin Bieber an outside the pants hand job. This will surely make Selena look stupid for spending years trying to lock him down while signaling that he’s only worth a rough dragon drainer to Bella.
4.) Leak nudes of herself. Bella leaking nudes will make everyone forget about that stupid sexy ass shot Selena posted today. Control the narrative.
5.) Kill herself. This will surely stomp out the budding Selena/Weeknd relationship. No way two people can build a relationship on the bones of a dead girl. This is surely the most effective tactic.
6.) Give $1 million to the charity of the week. Find out what people care about this week and ride the lightning by donating an egregious amount of money toward it. Make sure you tell the media that you intended to make an ‘Anonymous’ donation and the unwanted press is tainting the message she wanted to send by donating money to the ‘Kids Who Want To Model Good But Want To Learn To Eat Good Too’ Foundation.
7.) Make and leak a sex tape with The Weeknd’s dad. Tough for The Weeknd to trust again when he logs onto PornHub and sees his loving father raw dogging his ex.
8.) Drink coconut water. This literally has nothing to do with anything besides coconut water having purifying and hydrating qualities that water simply cannot compete with. Sometimes its worth guzzling a bottle of Peter North’s semen to hydrate naturally.
9.) Pay Pitbull to remix Selena Gomez’s hit song “Good for You” and have him perform it at the Super Bowl. No one can ruin a song as surgically as Pitbull and I’m just making an educated guess that he’s playing the Super Bowl this year because he always manages to weasel into every big time event. This truly is one of life’s greatest mysteries.
10.) Sneak into The Weeknd’s house and cut that skunk tail off the top of his head. The Weeknd’s entire identity rests on top of his head and cutting it off will turn one of the world’s hottest signers into American Idol’s Ruben Studdard. It will be like turning 2014 Jared From Subway into 2016 Jared From Subway. Sure, Jared’s getting laid now. But not by choice.
THIS JUST IN. Hey Bella, since you’re obviously reading this post by a worthless blogger on BroBible.com, disregard everything I just said. Unfortunately, there’s no hope for you. After Selena just posted this, you just have to learn to swallow the L. I hear Paul Giamatti is single, though.