George Clooney is being a real dick with this engagement thing

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George Clooney is going to die. It’s the only explanation.

It’s the only fathomable reason to explain why, after years of avoiding walking down the aisle, Clooney is suddenly engaged.

Clooney’s dying and needs a woman to care for him and his pot-bellied pig over the next few months while some rare disease eats away at his perfect bones, chiseled but not obvious muscles, perfect face like a Greek statue and my god, is it getting hot in here?

Clooney is the gold standard example in every man’s quest to remain single forever. If it’s not death, and this whole engagement fiasco ends with marriage, every single bachelor in the world is fucked.

According to several Clooney insiders, this time the relationship is for real. For real real. These were all for fun. Maybe it was just Clooney’s time to go. Not, like “go” go, but get married.

“Sociologists have something called the George Clooney effect,” explains Dr. Wendy Walsh, America’s thought leader on relationships and the author of The 30-Day Love Detox. “It means that women who become economically successful want to marry a guy who’s older, more established and good-looking. That would be a George Clooney type.”

The man can only run for so long. Clooney was the hunter. For years, he’s worn the vaginas of gorgeous women like pelts. The hunter eventually becomes the hunted. One hunter finally scored the big game.

“George Clooney is a bit of a playboy,” Walsh explains. “Studies show that women prefer men who can get more women. Evolutionary psychologists suggest that these kind of men can extract resources from the environment easier. George Clooney represents a kind of hard to get playboy. Finally a woman has landed him! She would have a sense of accomplishment about this. This guy would be attached to most women and most women would like the opportunity to be the one that he finally gets monogamous for.”

Please don’t put George’s head above the mantle. Sure, it would be nice to look at, every evening before supper or on those cold winter nights with a fire crackling and Clooney’s gorgeous mug smiling down…and damn, it’s hot in here again.

There is still plenty of time. This whole engagement could end and the world will return to it’s natural rotation. This is George Clooney after all.

It was once said that “If we act like prey, they’ll act like predators.” I see your game George Clooney.

Just blink twice if it’s melanoma.

Chris Illuminati avatar
Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.