How To Survive ‘The Hunger Games’

Since we live in a society that doesn't condone murder on reality TV as a sport, let me set up this strategy for you in a situation you can relate to: You're walking through the campus dining hall at noon. It's prime time for lunch, it's as crowded as balls in spandex. People are bumping into you, lines are long, but then you see him. There's this guy, who's just… naked. And no one's around him. He jumps into the sandwich line and everyone around him splits. You know why? No one wants to be around naked people. Or even look at them. Especially if you're average. Someone's who morbidly obese and naked is gonna attract a lot of stares, not because people want to look at them, but because they can't help it. It's like watching a train wreck, except it's the Oscar Meyer hotdog mobile and it crashed into the Stay Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. The same with fit skinny people. It's not socially acceptable to look at 'em, but you can't stop because they're beautiful.

But average people? Bleh, boring. A sag under a butt cheek here, an oddly positioned 3rd nipple there, and no one wants to get a peek. Who's going to kill you if they can't even look at you? Katniss' should've spent her training blobbing out and couch surfing with a baked potato on her lap, extra butter.

But some of us aren't lucky. Some of us are giant sperm whales that exist only to order Large Diet Cokes from McDonalds and then, since you “saved” calories by getting a diet soda, order one of everything off the dollar menu. Others are toned from going to the gym regularly and not eating their weight in pizza, which by the way, still isn't a vegetable. Those people are obviously screwed and don't apply under the “strip down and fling it around” rule. They've gotta take it one step further…

Start jerkin it'.

This obviously applies only to guys, since I'm assuming that because I don't have anything to jerk then neither do 99% of other women. However, Shemales rejoice! This is probably the one time you'll achieve higher than your cock-deficient counterparts, excluding porn. Also, if you are 13 years old and just hit puberty, this will probably be the highlight of your adolescent life.

Just picture it. You brought up that tube-elevator thing into the arena and everyone, blinded by the sudden bright sunlight, starts looking around feverishly. Adrenaline's pumping. It's kill or be killed. The clock starts ticking down and the second it hits zero, you finally get your bearings and sprint into the cornucopia. You grab a trident, because why the fuck not, then when you turn around you see him.

Some dude, instead of running for weapons, stripped out of his suit, laid down on his platform and just started jerking it.

This is how you survive a Hunger Games situation. 

“What? Who does that? Is this a trick? Am I missing something? Should I be choking my chicken too?” are all of the thoughts going through your head as you watch this dude's hips literally go airborne with how hard he's yanking on his dick. Instead of everyone killing each other, you and the other competitors are just watching this guy go to town. Eventually people are going to realize that they're sitting ducks just standing there and dip, but no one's going to kill the masturbating guy.

You know why? Because what the fuck.

First of all, no one wants to see that. Second, everyone's just belligerently confused. It'd be like bringing a fairy princess wand to a gunfight. Your opponent just looks at you, looks at his surroundings, looks at you again but with his eyes squinted and his eyebrows furrowed, then walks away. There's just nothing you can do in that situation. It's madness.

And so everyone disperses and start to slowly murder each other while Jack (we'll call him that for now) is left to his own device. The cameras don't follow you because, come on, real-time murder is a family show guys, it's not porn, so you've got some anonymity with the public too. Even if everyone else dies save Jack and one other person, that one person's about to get his shit pushed in. While he's been runnin' around bee-bopping in a jungle, Jack's been hangin' out by the Cornucopia. With food. And shelter. And nothing's been trying to kill him because he's in the neutral zone. You're tired as fuck from beating people to death with a trident like some coked-out Poseidon on steroids, while Jack's been… well, jacking off. So when it comes time for you to try and kill him, the chances of getting an arrow to the skull are pretty high.

As a side note, you don't have to just limit this to a Hunger Games setting. Speed dating and get to someone you don't like? Strip and jerk. Giant hamplanet who smells like McDonald's and has ketchup stains all over his shirt sits next to you on a plane? Strip and jerk.

Now I can't guarantee that this won't get you kicked out of wherever you are, but technically getting kicked out of public places is, in its own way, repelling people. I never said this was practical.

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