The Cannes Film Festival has come to an end after 11 days chock-full of movie premiers, director Q & A’s, and Quentin Tarantino asking an entire theater to smoke weed before screening Pulp Fiction. In terms of sheer brilliance on the screen, it would appear that 2014 has been one of the festival’s best years to date. Steve Carell is touted to be an early Oscar contender for his performance in Bennett Miller’s Foxcatcher. Timothy Spall takes another step in cementing himself as one of those “oh yeah, that guy!” actors in Mr. Turner. And Nuri Bilge Ceylan furthers his authority as the quintessential Turkish director with his Palm d’Or-winning Winter Sleep.
That’s all fine and dandy, but few know about the darker side of the Cannes Film Festival. The dark underbelly that few dare to venture into. You see, at their core, film festivals are a place for distributors to buy independently made films to add to their yearly lineup of studio-made ones. So although it is mostly prestige pictures touted by the media, there is actually a wide selection of piss-poor films for sale at Cannes. I know what you’re thinking, “But Luke, they can’t be THAT bad. There has to some sort of standards for them to be at Cannes, right?” Yes, they are. And no, they don’t. Granted, I’ve only seen the posters to these films but I’ve gone ahead and added my own (probably wrong) plot lines to go along with them. So sit back, relax and check out these films that will make you go “Hey! Christian Slater. What happened to that guy?”
ZOOmbies
Okay, well, if you take away nothing from this article at least you can say learned a new word. A “portmanteau” word is one that combines multiple words to create a new definition.
Anyways, ZOOmbies more than likely falls somewhere between Jumanji and Dawn of the Dead. Somewhere in a big city zoo, a group of rambunctious hooligans find a way to help an ape escape from his cage. Undoubtedly, this vicious creature ends up attacking one of his liberators, landing him in the hospital. Upset by the bad press, the zoo’s president—zoos have presidents, right?—publicly states that he won’t stand for this tomfoolery! As a result, a fancy new zoo security system is put into place complete with its own computer mainframe. And, of course, the mainframe fails. Thus simultaneously opening the cages to the entire zoo (That’s their money shot).
The gorillas are the first to look around. They begin to inspect a dead pigeon that has yet to be cleaned up by maintenance (man, this actually sounds like a pretty shitty zoo the more I write about it). Anyways to make a long story short: zoo animals + dead pigeon = BOOM! ZOOmbies! They’re “Uncaged! Undead!” and most likely not coming to a theater near you.
Monologues of an Indian Sex Maniac
This film is a product of Rupesh Paul Productions Ltd. And you know it’s legit—I mean, it has “Ltd.” at the end of it! But I can’t really knock the guy. Rupesh Paul apparently set a festival record by showcasing 5(!) films in the same year at the Cannes Film Festival. Among his other films is Kamasutra 3D. I mean, come on, wouldn’t the world be a better if we were exposed to the movies of Rupesh Paul? Answer that at your own discretion. Anyways, It appears the Paul got his hands on the rights to Slumdog Millionaire and I’m calling that this is the X-rated sequel we’ve all been waiting for.
Jamal turns to a life of strippers and drugs after winning his million on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Latkia desperately tries to keep him on a righteous path but watching those WorldStar fight videos, and reading a rather enjoyable BroBible piece about how to fall asleep after too much blow has steered him wrong. Jamal finally seeks treatment, recounting his wild nights out and the various sex acts that go with them to his therapist. She just happens to be a promiscuous, slightly older woman who isn’t a huge fan of plutonic relationships. I don’t know about you guys, but I think there’s a good chance for some Kamasutra 3D overlap!
Holy shit, this film looks awesome. I’m going to break away from this list of awful movies for a moment to let you know about WolfCop — which looks TOTALLY RADICAL!
Loose cannon cop Rickie Smokes lives by his own rules. While the rest of the force is driving their boring ol’ Crown Victorias he’s ridin’ dirty in a ’75 Chevy Nova. The precinct’s by-the-rules captain doesn’t have the same affinity for Smoke’s badass attitude as the rest of us do. He earns himself a quick suspension after one of his notorious criminal “interrogations”.
After a long night of drinking, Smoke stumbles back to his house only to encounter a pack of wolves. How a pack of wolves wandered into a city of 5 million-plus? I know not. Anyways, the wolves get hostile and Smoke isn’t one to back down from a fight. Despite his best efforts to kill the beasts with his bare hands he finds he’s been bit, which gives us WOLFCOP!
The world is a better place because this movie exists.
What the fuck is going on here? You “have sin”? Like, you posses sin? I thought that was a verb.
And why do you have two taglines? This movie can’t be good enough to warrant two. Also, no one “messes” with death. Literally no one does that.
Oh yeah, and nice Microsoft Word chiller font? Fuck this movie.