The Golden Globes are upon us once again (Sunday, January 10th), and the appeal of the Globes has always been one thing: shitfaced celebrities making complete fools out of themselves.
Basically, when you’re watching the Golden Globes, you can just assume that everyone there is drunk. Hell, half of them are probably drunk before the show even begins. It’s tradition. Most of them are able to handle themselves and keep their shit together. They are professional actors, after all.
But sometimes, that sweet demon liquor proves too powerful and that’s when everything goes to hell and we get a chance to laugh at our betters, which, let’s face it, is the most treasured American pastime of them all.
And in that spirit, we bring you these, the nine best drunken moments from the Golden Globes.
This is basically what would happen if you got a WOOOOO!!! girl (you know, those girls who get drunk and just start wooing all night like Ric Flair? Yeah, one of them.) to present an award. On the plus side, it proves that Sharon Stone is probably a fun drunk, all giggles and woos, and apparently an affectionate one too given how she hangs all over poor Richard Gere, who probably just wants to get home to his gerbil.
This is the picture of a dude trying desperately to maintain. Look, we’ve all been there, but usually we don’t have millions of people watching us, so, honestly, Andrew Garfield does pretty well. At least until he stumbles all over a word and then its game over, man. At that point, he is basically dying. He is dead. And even a round of pity applause isn’t going to bring him back to life. Poor guy. Then again, he probably just went home and boned Emma Stone, so to hell with him.
Brendan Fraser/Robert De Niro
Everyone always focuses on Brendan Fraser’s spastic special-needs clap here, which I get. I mean, he looks nuts. Honestly, I’m not sure if he’s drunk or just insane. But nobody ever talks about De Niro here, doing… whatever the hell that is. An impression? Randomly trying to chat with Martin Scorsese during the show? I don’t know. Whatever the hell it is, he’s fucking drunk, okay? Robert De Niro is drunk.
Look, it’s easy to say she’s drunk here on account of how fucking cringy and awkward this whole thing is, and so for our purposes I’ll allow it, but if you ask me, this is a woman high on god only knows what. The key is right at the beginning, when she licks her lips, slobbering all over herself like a goddamn St. Bernard. This is a woman who probably had to summon every last sober molecule she had left in order to even speak up there. Sure, it’s obvious none of those sober molecules actually existed given the absolute mess she made of herself, but points for trying, I guess.
On the other side of the coin, you have Emma Thompson, who is obviously bombed, but she just rolls with it like the classy broad she is and ends up looking, dare I say it, kind of adorable? Maybe it’s the English accent, I don’t know. This is how you handle being drunk. You don’t try to maintain. You’ll just end up looking like a fool. You give into the drunkenness and people will love you. That’s a life lesson, by the way.
Yeah, Harrison is fucked-up here, and it’s not the fun kind either, but the this-guy-is-wrecked-and-he’s-really-trying-but-it’s-awkward-and-what-do-we-do-let’s-just-smile-and-hope-he-starts-talking-to-someone-else-instead kind. It’s sort of like having to hang out with your drunk dad, or your drunk boss. On the other hand, he’s Han Solo, so fuck you.
Jack straight-up admits he’s high, harasses poor Nicole Kidman, rambles like a lunatic… and totally gets away with it because he’s, well, because he’s Jack Nicholson. This is what he’s supposed to do. It’s sort of like when your fun, drunk uncle shows up and starts acting inappropriate. It’s cool because he’s fun Uncle Jack, he’ll apologize for anything too crazy, and he’ll probably pay for everyone else’s drinks and anything he breaks. I love drunk Uncle Jack.
If Jack’s your drunk uncle, Elizabeth Taylor is your drunk aunt who forgets to put her pants back on after she goes to the bathroom. She just wanders around, ass hanging out, while everyone laughs and your mom rushes to cover her with a towel. I mean, come on. She opens the envelope before she’s supposed to and then seems stupefied by the whole thing as people in the crowd – her fellow movie stars, by the way – have to resort to hollering at her to let her know that she’s fucking up. Basically, she turned all of Hollywood into that version of your mother running around trying to cover drunk Aunt Liz with a towel. That’s next-level drunkery.
Look, say what you will about everyone else on this illustrious list, but at least none of them tried to fuck the award. But Bette Midler gets up there, plays with her titties and then tries going down on the award. They say how you are when you’re drunk is your actual personality, and, well, I guess Bette Midler must be a lot of fun. Or at least she was. She’s 70 years old now, so that’s kind of gross. Then again, I guess Dame Judi Dench still needs something to aspire to, so thanks, Bette. You are the drunken wind beneath all of our wings.