Samuel L. Jackson Wants to Read YOUR Profanity-Laced Monologue

Well, something weird happened. A few absolute gems were posted and upvoted to the top of the page, only to be quickly deleted by moderators. No reasoning was given. Some Redditors are actually calling this the “darkest day in Reddit history,” which is a little much, but I would like to know why Samuel L. can't perform nearly every upvoted entry. Were they deleted because Samuel L. didn't want to curse? No way. He used “muthaphukkas” in his original post! He has a long and storied history of profanity. Were they maybe too weird for Jackson? I don't think so, either: This is a man who once did Black Snake Moan. He's cool with weird.

Regardless, there is one amazing entry that hasn't been deleted yet, which comes from comedian Eugene Mirman, voice of Gene Belcher on Bob's Burgers and a guest star on Archer. Mirman posted the following, inspired by his famous Delta Airlines routine, to his blog yesterday. Just imagine Samuel L. Jackson reading it:

God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my p*ssy with cream cheese! I f*cking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even f*cking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-sh*t. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.

I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her p*ssy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?

I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he sh*t himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherf*cker.

It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I f*cking love you.


I need to hear this happen.