Last week you heard me complain about my pet peeves surrounding this show. I sat behind a keyboard and wrote about JoJo complaining about her “difficult” process and the remaining guys “tough past.” Some might have read that and thought, “wow, this guy sure likes to complain about stuff that doesn’t matter” and those people aren’t wrong: it’s my favorite pastime.
Today, I’m back for more. My theme song is going on in my head (it’s “Roar” by Katy Perry) and smoke is going up in the air behind me. I’m back because I forgot one thing to complain about last week, and that’s CLIFF HANGERS.
This week we were hit with a classic Bachelor/ette cliffhanger. I thought we were going to get through this season without any of these dreaded strategic moves by ABC, but I was, as Notorious BIG once said, DEAD WRONG. Just as Luke told JoJo he loved her I saw the clock strike 10 and knew that I was going to have to wait an entire week to figure out who was eliminated.
I get why they are used. They want us begging for more, but here is the thing: this is a reality show (great observation, Jack!). I am a firm believer in the FCC, or even Obama (he isn’t doing much at this point anyways) putting in a law that states cliffhangers are ILLEGAL on reality shows. This isn’t Breaking Bad or The Sopranos….this is The Bachelorette. I already feel bad enough about watching this show as passionately as I do; I don’t need to spend a whole week dwelling over it. Do you think I’m proud that my ancestors spent their waking hours killing animals for food to survive, and my hours are spent dwelling over this show? No.
At least we get back-to-back episodes next week, and one of those episodes is the RETURN OF CHAD!!!!!!!!! Words cannot describe my excitement for Chad’s appearance on Men Tell All. I feel like a dog that is about to see it’s owner for the first time in two months.
Nobody was eliminated this week, but I hope we can say goodbye to the “JoJo has the hardest job in America” storyline going on:
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Here is my beef: JoJo knows who she is going to pick at this point. The third to last guy she eliminates makes no difference in her life. Stop crying.
P.S. We don’t have to say goodbye to that blue dress…that’s for sure.
4. Robby (LW: 4):
- Was not feeling that The Bachelorette tried to make Robby’s home seem like the boondocks of Florida. Robby grew up in an affluent part of Florida, not the Florida where people eat other peoples faces or where people praise Tim Tebow like Jesus Christ.
- Not much to say on Robby’s ex situation.
- Robby mentioned that he hasn’t gotten much sleep since the last time he has seen JoJo. My question for Robby: what the fuck have you been doing. For those of you who don’t know, when you are on the Bachelorette, you have no phone, computer, TV, or books. You are pretty much cut off from civilization as you know it and you do two things: sleep and eat. So, if Robby isn’t sleeping, what is he doing?
3. Chase (LW: 3):
- Chase’s hometown visit was just another example of this boring episode. Nothing really happened. No crazy relatives, which left #BachNation disappointed.
- Chase got the dreaded first hometown date, which usually means elimination, but it looks like he may defy that trend.
- Defying this trend would be good news for Chase. You obviously never want to be eliminated, but this week is the most important week to advance. You don’t want to get this far without getting into that fantasy suite. You may not win it all, but you can always say you spent a night in the fantasy suite with JoJo.
2. Luke (LW: 2):
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- I was ready to marry every single woman at that BBQ. I want to come back as a Texan cowboy in my second life.
- I think this is what is happening here: Luke is going to get eliminated, and they are going to portray him as the “guy who had his heartbroken on National TV after telling a girl he loved her” and he will be our next Bachelor.
1 Jordan (LW: 1):
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- Still confused by Aaron and Jordan’s relationship. When asked to discuss it, both Jordan and his other brother dismissed it like Aaron Rodgers killed a family member.
- Was I the only one who felt that Jordan’s mom was a low-key hippie? Cool lady.
- I feel bad for Jordan brother’s fiancée, who got all dressed up for the episode, probably expecting a decent amount of air time, but only ended up with a few seconds.
Moment Of The Night: I couldn’t find a screenshot of it, but the fact that The Bachelorette left two open chairs at the dinner table to signify Aaron and Olivia Munn’s absence was hilarious. Small things like this are why I love this show.
Awkward Moment Of The Night:
Jordan’s brother’s attempt to have hair just like Jordan fell incredibly short. The way he does his hair, he looks like a kid who went to his barber and said “give me the Cristiano Ronaldo hair cut” then got home and realized he had no idea how to style it.
Got to feel bad. Not only was he unathletic kid in the family, but his hair is nowhere close to the best.
Quote Of The Night:
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I’m under the belief that you should never call your child “spicy,” but that may just be me.
The “Act Like You’ve Been There Before” Award:
If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
JoJo asking about Aaron Rodgers 80000000 times…..it seems like she’s more interested in him than Jordan.
Internet Moment Of The Night: