'The Bachelorette' Recap: Power Ranking The Men By Their Terrible Pick-Up Attempts

I’m a 20-year-old, heterosexual male and I am HYPED that The Bachelorette. Is. Back! From JoJo making grown men cry to Chris Harrison having to console JoJo in her “impossible decision,” these next ten weeks should be a lot of fun.

I’m personally excited for JoJo as The Bachelorette — her voice isn’t annoying, she’s funny, she can put together a sentence and actually has a personality, which is refreshing coming off Ben’s season in the fall (still love ya, buddy). Oh, I almost forgot, she’s also a smoke:

Pretending this is what we look like when we walk on the beach. #TheBachelorette 🌊❤️ pic.twitter.com/yaiku9fw8I

— E! News (@enews) May 24, 2016

JoJo started us off last night with her recap of Ben breaking her heart for the entire world to see on last season of The Bachelor. I wasn’t feeling the “I learned a lot from being played by Ben in front of millions on national TV” bit. That’s so boring and basic. It felt a lot like a Russell Wilson press conference: incredibly fake and forced. Ben told you he loved you then dumped you two days later; we know you don’t like him JoJo. If I were her, I would have started the show off by cutting a Seth Rollins-like heel promo on Ben because that’s what he deserves.

Last night was the first episode, one of the best all season; from the absurd entrances to the alpha male trying to assert dominance on the house (don’t worry, we’ll get to Chad), this episode is always filled with a lot of juice. It also helps that 50% of the guys are hammered an hour into the episode. Speaking of the alcohol consumption on night one, if I’m The Bachelorette I would want data on what each guys’ preferred drink was. Before I hand out the roses, I would review it like Jim Harbaugh reviews game film. If I see a guy stumbling around the mansion and he’s only drank wine according to the data, I’m eliminating him. I’m not marrying a soft man.

I do have a pet peeve about the first episode, however, and it’s that I hate the constant “you look amazing” comments from the contestants. It’s like your friend who tells you “Jay Z’s new response album to Lemonade is a publicity stunt” as if he invented sliced bread. JoJo knows she is a dime. JoJo knows she looks amazing in the dress that costs thousands. She’s the goddamn Bachelorette; you don’t need to tell her 8 times throughout the night that she is “stunning.” I know the idea of this is to find your wife, but this is the survival of the fittest and you aren’t playing the game right.

Anyways, if this episode and the upcoming previews taught us anything it was that this season is looking like it’s going to be one for the ages. I’m excited and I think you should be too. Now, on to the power rankings…

Bottom-Tier Choices, AKA Bachelorette Hell:

20. Daniel:

I disliked the “Damn, Daniel, back it again with the white vans” Vine the first time I saw it. I have a pair of white vans, and now I can’t wear them without looking like a massive douche.
Am I the only one confused by JoJo not ever seeing the “Damn, Daniel” Vine? Does she have the internet?
LEARN HOW TO HANDLE YOUR ALCOHOL!

19. Nick S:

I liked him when he walked out of the limo, but then he did a split in his first interaction with JoJo and everything went downhill from there.
I never like the guys who can’t contain their alcohol consumption on the first night. You are trying to marry this girl, Nick; this isn’t your first college frat party.

18. Wells:

All I’m going to say is if you are going to bring an a cappella group on your first night, you better be singing in it.
Somehow he was wearing an extra small suit and it still looked too big on him.

17. Brandon:

If your self-proclaimed occupation is being a hipster, I have zero respect for you. Zero.
He seems kind of cool. I say that hesitantly, because if it comes out he is a vegan at any point in the season he will drop to the bottom of these power rankings faster than Laremy Tunsil’s stock did in the NFL draft.

16. Santa Clause (Nick B):

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I have to respect the Santa Clause attempt, it was ballsy, and I guess it worked, but it just didn’t hit home for me. The “Jojojojo” instead of “hohoho” joke was a solid 2/10.

15. Will:

That Vine says it all. He is the Bernie Sanders of this show now, a dead man walking. Yeah, sure, Chad or Jordan could get indicted by the FBI, but in all likelihood, it isn’t happening.
How do you even recover from that?
ABC did Will dirty. Not only did he have to watch a repeat of what his first kiss in a movie theater in 6^th grade looked like, but the next scene was Jordan taking JoJo away and then kissing her like he was the second coming of DiCaprio.

Bachelorette Purgatory:

14. James F:

It’s got to be a tough pill to swallow coming on this show when you are 34.

13. Robby:

Funny reference to JoJo’s mother drinking wine straight out of the bottle. Other than that, I can’t say I was feeling this guy.

12. James Taylor:

Gone by week 3. I’ll put money on it, tweet me @BigDaddysCourt if you think differently.

11. Evan:

Going from being a pastor to an “erectile dysfunction expert” is an….interesting move?
I love how ABC showed us Evan in action with his patients. Yeah, they pixeled out the guys face, but why on earth did that patient allow cameras in there in the first place?
I will never not be mad at ABC for not showing us Evan telling JoJo about his profession. Ever.

10. Christian:

“3:30 my alarm goes off”…..HARDDDOOOOOOOO.
I don’t know what your experience is, but whenever I meet a guy who goes on and on about how “motivated” he is, he usually isn’t that motivated.
If you were that motivated, why would you come on this show? Don’t you have motivated things to do back home?

9. Alex:

Alex would be at the top of these power rankings if he wasn’t 5’4.
I respect him for his service and all, but doing pushups with JoJo on your butt…come on, dawg.
Some serious napoleon complex is going on with this guy.

8. Chase:

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He is my dark horse pick for this season. Even after that awful “mustache” pick-up line.

7. Grant:

What a jaw line/chin, I bet this guy could take a punch. Maybe we’ll see him take one from Chad.

6. James S:

https://t.co/O6Tm00IJeV

It’s hard for me to hate on him being a “Bachelor Super Fan,” because I have been writing recaps about this show for 2 years now.
He has to have a real job…right?

5. Prince Ali:

I don’t know why, but I feel like this guy is a Prince, so I will be referring to him as a prince from now on.
Ali is the guy I have always wanted to be: relaxed, goes with the flow, and can play the piano. I try to do these things once in awhile, but then I remember that I get angry over a reality TV show where the marriage works out 20% of the time and then I’m okay with who I am.

Bachelorette Heaven:

4. Derek:

View post on imgur.com

He looks like Jim from The Office, so I don’t care if he’s on the brink of elimination every week, this guy is going to be in Bachelorette Heaven every single week.
My hope for this show is that Chad is Roy from The Office, JoJo is Pam, and in the last few episodes, we see JoJo come to her senses and find her Jim, which is Derek.

3. Jordan:

I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt this week. I know the previews paint him as being a massive douche, but I like him. Maybe I like him because Aaron Rodgers, his brother, has won me a lot of money over the years, we’ll have to wait and see.
I was not feeling his whole “it was tough growing up with Aaron Rodgers as your brother” narrative in the intros to start off the show. Jordan, you were an SEC QB at Vanderbilt and you can walk into any bar across America and get with the hottest girl in there, regardless if she is taken or not. Cry me a fucking river.
ABC isn’t going to tell you this, but I will: Jordan played zero games in the NFL, including preseason games. Then again, I’m blogging about The Bachelorette and was a backup QB on my varsity team in high school, so who am I to talk?

2. Luke:

Every girl that Luke has ever dated/been with is watching this show like:

1. Chad:

Controversial, I know. Here’s the thing, most people will not admit this, but deep down every guy wants to be like Chad. Chad is the guy every dude imagines himself as.
I still find it amazing that his name is Chad. I have never seen someone who fits the Chad stereotype as much as this guy.
I am SO excited for the Jordan-Chad all out WAR for the next two months. ABC should take a page out of WWE’s book and title this season The Bachelorette Is WAR (this is my 3^rd WWE reference of the recap. For those of you who are worrying, which is none of you, don’t, because there will be plenty of WWE references this season).

Awards:

Moment Of The Night:

Evan, if you are the guy getting poked in the belly button I have some sad news for you: zero people respect you in the house. It’s okay, though, in about 20 years they’ll be calling you for an appointment about their ED.

Awkward Moment Of The Night:

I would give this to Will and JoJo’s kiss, but that’d be too easy. Here is the runner up:

Internet Moment Of The Night:

https://twitter.com/seangrandillo/status/734934247983710210

Quote Of The Night:

“His butt….I need to start doing squats” –JoJo after kissing Jordan. All I want in my life is for that exact quote to be said about me.

The “Act Like You’ve Been There Before” Award: This award goes to Daniel for obvious reasons. Folks, if you ever find yourself on national TV, don’t get blackout drunk. Also, don’t start posing with your shirt off like you are in the middle of a Mr. Olympia contest.

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Hardo Of The Night: Didn’t even have to think about this one: